Part Eleven: In Which Justice Rears It's Ugly Head...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Tom Crittenden is away this week so there are bound to be spelling mistakes - but he'll proof-reading the version that goes into the book!)

Eleven: In Which Justice Rears It’s Ugly Head…

“What are your motives? / I got to know… / I'm doing research… / I got to know!! / What are your motives? / I got to know…/ Tell me your motives, oh, oh…”

From: "I Am Curious…" (Carole Pope / Kevan Staples); Dusty Springfield, White Heat, 1982.

Horner sighed. He was dressed and looking fantastic; having found a cupboard full of dead patients clothes that Dr Fish had been secretly hoarding. He’d done his hair; asked for his belongings to be sent to reception and was now heading down in the lift to announce his departure.

Selbourne had offered to accompany him, but Horner had remained resolute. “No, that’s fine! This is about me – I’ll just tell them that I’m leaving and sign any paperwork that I need to…”

“But I’ll see you later!?” Selbourne had asked worriedly, concerned for a second and wondering if he was losing his new love; wondering if he should lock Horner away again.

“Of course you’ll see me later – and I’ll see you!” Horner had insisted with an affectionate chuckle, slipping his address onto a piece of paper and handing it over. “I’ll see you back there this evening – if you’re free – for dinner and, well – more of the same, perhaps? Yeah!?”

Selbourne has been quite excited by this; but was also a little grudging in case he was being conned – but in the end he had let her go after an extra long kiss.

As the lift door opened; the reception stood before Horner – it was still very early; 5 am – and yet there were still people milling about and the old ladies; Edie and Mavis were busily filing through sheaves of papers on the reception desk.

“Hello…” declared Horner. “I’m checking out…” he said, thinking that it sounded rather as if he was concluding a stay at a hotel. “Is there anything I need to sign?”

Edie looked up in surprise. “Oh…” she cried. “Mavis – is this the lady we have the message for?”

Mavis looked up from the papers she was filing and slipped her glasses down to rest firmly on the bridge of her nose. “Ah yes…” she nodded, standing up and coming across to the front of reception. “Mr Horner, is it? I have a message for you?!”

Horner frowned. “If it’s from Katrina then I really don’t want to know!!”

Mavis was about to clarify the situation when two figures appeared behind Horner. “It’s not Katrina, Miss – err – sir – madame – anyway, it’s not Katrina who wants to see you – it’s us…” said the first of the men. They were both dressed in a ill-fitting rain coats and the man who spoke was thin and runner bean shaped, with piercing grey eyes and very thick lensed glasses.

The second man was very large and wore an eye patch over the right eye. It was now his turn to speak. “We are Catch and Merkin…” he explained calmly.

“Oh really…” replied Horner, nodding. “…and what are you? Travelling salesmen? A firm of investment bankers?”

“Police…” replied the first man. “Let me introduce myself – I am Inspector Crawville Catch and this is my colleague Inspector Lana Merkin…”

“Lana!!” exclaimed Horner. “Isn’t that a girl’s name?”

Merkin looked a little put out. “With all respect MISTER Horner – don’t YOU have a girl’s body!?”

Horner raised an eyebrow. “Ah yes… Fair play to you… A good point, well made!!”

“Anyway – it’s Slovakian… Lots of Slovakian boys are called Lana!!”

“Okay…” Horner was rapidly losing interest. “So, what is all this about?!”

Inspector Catch and Inspector Merkin suddenly looked vague, but then suddenly looked very wide awake as it occurred to them why they were where they were.

“Drew Horner…” began Inspector Catch, turning to his friend and colleague to encourage him to continue.

“Drew Horner we are arresting you in suspicion of the murder of your wife – Katrina Hortensia…”

Horner gaped as he suddenly took this information in; completely shocked to hear this news. Merkin had turned back to Catch to encourage him to continue, but Inspector Catch was looking a little vague. “Erm…” he said. “Should you choose to say anything in your – erm – defence…” he paused and then cursed under his breath. “Damn – I can never remember this bit; is it something to do with texting your mother to bring you a spare vest or something…”

“No – no…” interrupted Merkin. “God! I’d have thought you knew this one by now, Crawville…”

But Horner was shaking hysterically, by this point, and the two Inspectors paused. “KATRINA!!” exclaimed the former amphibian. “KATRINA IS DEAD!? MY KATRINA!?!”

“Errr… Yeah…” nodded Catch, worried that perhaps the voluptuous Horner might be about to hit him. “Katrina – your ex-wife, IS dead – but then you already knew that as you killed her…” he concluded, still sounding a little nervous.

“Oh…” replied Horner – suddenly ceasing his sobbing and shaking. “…and you think it was ME who killed her!?”

Merkin nodded. “We don’t think it; we KNOW it…”

“PROVE IT!!” chuckled Horner. “…AND WHILST YOU’RE AT IT – YOU’LL HAVE TO CATCH ME TOO!!”

Before the Officers could say something in reply Horner had pulled up his skirts; hurdled the reception desk and was off and out through the hospital main door – off and into the night…

“He’s in a hurry…” sighed Catch crossly.

“Couldn’t even wait around to be hand-cuffed!” agreed Merkin, looking badly inconvenienced.

Edie and Mavis who had been watching all this in silence suddenly piped up. “Well, aren’t you going to follow him!?”

Catch and Merkin both looked at one another as if communicating psychically and then sighed again in unison. “Nah…” replied Catch. “I’m knackered and Merkin’s got a bad leg after an accident in a Conkers championship the other day!?”

Merkin nodded. “I tripped on the string of my conker and went through a double glazed window down 3 floors only to have my fall saved by a giant trifle that happened to be standing outside the building.

“The caterers were waiting for the custard to set… It was quite a cold day… Ruined the trifle, but it saved Merkin!” Catch beamed with some relief.

“I’m always falling over things or slipping into things…” Merkin explained. “The other day I tripped in a pool of tartare sauce…” he added as if this explained everything, including why they should just leave their prime suspect to get away. “I sometimes use tartare sauce if I run out of sun tan lotion – but I always used too much and battered cod occasionally leap at me angrily as I walk by…”

“He was bitten by an unruly chip once…” added Catch crossly – as if expecting some belated sympathy for his friend.

“So, what ARE you going to do!?” enquired Mavis tartly, managing to ignore all their inane chatter.

“Yes!? What ARE you going to do!?” parroted Edie.

“WHY, FIND A NEW SUSPECT, OF COURSE!!” exclaimed Merkin, as if it was the most normal thing to do in all the world…”

“…And to start with…” continued Catch. “…we’re going to arrest both of YOU!!”

**

Meanwhile, not so very far away, Raymond Snood was busily attempting to dispose of his bloody dressing gown, by tearing it into slips and trying to flush it down the loo.

The only problem was that Sister Virginia would keep insisting on poking her head around the door every 5 minutes and was obviously becoming a tad concerned about the total amount of time he had so far been spending in the toilet.

“Raymond – are you okay in there!?” came Sister’s irritating little voice, making him wrinkle his face up in anger. “Raymond!!”

“I’m fine… I was just freshening up…” he called back, keen for her to be gone, before he decided to drag her into the bathroom and add her to his new list of murder victims by flushing her head down the toilet.

She’d escaped once – but she wouldn’t be so lucky a second time…

“I’m sorry…” came Virginia’s needy tone. “I didn’t mean to be a complete pain – I just didn’t want you not being able to find someone to help if – errr – if you did need help…”

Raymond raised an eyebrow and stood up from the toilet bowl – that had to be one of the lousiest excuses for anything he’d heard in quite some time.

“Thank you – thanks Sister…” he called, trying to remain composed, although his arm was beginning to throb again. “I’ll be out soon – don’t worry about me…”

“Alright then – call if you need me…”

Raymond waited another minute or two as he heard the room door bang behind her, before turning back to the toilet bowl. Most of the dressing gown had flushed away by now – so for a moment he turned away again to deal with the other problem, quite literally, AT HAND…

At this moment his hand and arm were causing him even more concern than Sister Virginia…

Katrina’s curse – or whatever it was – was spreading and he knew he had to find a way of stopping the development before it was too late… The curse that had turned his hand to stone was now spreading and had managed to develop as far as his elbow!!

“If I break the arm off at a point above where it has become stone then maybe it won’t spread any further!” he reasoned.

He’d already tried thumping it against the sink in the hope that it would shatter. But it hadn’t – the noise of his painful cries had only managed to draw Virginia’s concern – which was the last thing that he wanted to happen again, so soon.

His arm hadn’t snapped off, but the bit of it that was still flesh and blood was now throbbing and badly bruised.

He knew that there was nothing for it; he’d have to find a knife; a hack saw – maybe even a chain saw. At the moment all he had was a nail file, which simply wouldn’t do – however there also weren’t that many saws or knives lying around easily accessible in the hospital – except for those used by the surgeons which were all locked up. It was possible that he might be able to get hold of one, but it wasn’t guaranteed.

“There has to be some other way!” he reasoned, but knew that he couldn’t wait until he was discharged to address the issue with his arm; the effects of the curse were spreading far too quickly.

There was a fat man that he’d seen on the 4th floor when he’d been exploring in the lift. Maybe he could arrange for the fat man to fall on his arm from a great height. He wasn’t sure that it would be ever so easy to arrange and would need an accomplice to throw the man off the roof at him. All the same – it seemed a more light-hearted; less scary way to do the job than using a blade.

However it changed nothing – one way or another the arm had to come off…

**

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital Dr Fish was still walking around in a dream after the effect of the perfect hours that he’d just spent with Drew Horner. It was strange for him to feel almost normal and not some sort of freak. It was actually quite nice. He wouldn’t have it any other way. But it really wasn’t a situation that he had expected to find himself in. He was used to these insane infatuations – to being obsessed and stalking persons who didn’t even know he existed. He was used to tip-toeing around taking illicit photos and peering over walls and sighing over people who had no interest in him – but now he was in a situation where the person he had been stalking had turned around and showed him some interest, all of a sudden.

“Horner… Horner… Horner…” he muttered to himself adoringly – walking in a dream toward reception.

“Mr Horner will be apprehended!” he heard a gruff voice declaring and then another, slightly squeakier voice interrupted him.

“You mean MISS Horner…”

Suddenly Dr Fish took in the scene ahead of him – he’d just been wondering how Horner had gotten on checking out of the hospital – but now it appeared that something bad had happened; for there were police in reception and for some reason they were interested in the whereabouts of Horner himself.

“Excuse me!!” he declared, striding up to the two detectives who appeared to be in charge. “Can I help you!?”

The first of the two detectives, Inspector Catch (or so it said on his badge), simply frowned and his colleague Inspector Merkin cleared his throat and asked a question. “Are you the doctor who treated Miss Horner!?”

“As it happens – no I’m not…” he continued. “Indirectly, maybe – but I am actually, more importantly, Drew Horner lover… What exactly is the problem here!?”

The two detectives looked confused for a moment and then Inspector Catch spoke this time. “Drew Horner is the chief suspect in a murder – the murder of his former wife – Katrina Hortensia…”

“How is this possible!?” exclaimed Dr Fish, noticing that as he spoke a small crowd of staff and visitors were crowding around reception; Edie and Maud, the yeti – Simon who had been with Tula earlier. He wasn’t sure where Tula herself was, but he recalled learning that she was Horner ex-girlfriend. There was also Sister Hickliffe and they were all listening with extra special interest. “Where is Drew Horner now!?” he demanded furiously.

“He escaped whilst we were questioning him…” replied Inspector Merkin, sounding a trifle embarrassed by this. “These are the actions of a guilty man…”

“Or a scared one…” interrupted Mavis and Edie nodded in agreement. “You weren’t exactly being very subtle about your questioning – you even threatened to arrest us for no apparent reason…”

“Err – no… No I don’t think I did…” replied Merkin again, denying that he had ever tried to do that, when in fact they actually had, before Mavis and Edie had threatened to pummel them violently with out of date rock cakes and they had relented.

Dr Fish sighed – he wasn’t sure what was going on, but he did know something. “I presume that this murder happened in the last two or three hours…”

“It must have done…” Sister Hickliffe called out. “I remember her seeing her alive around tea time…”

“Well, I can tell you that Drew Horner had nothing to do with it – because before I was his lover – I was his stalker and I know that he had no opportunity to murder his ex-wife. He was very ill until recently and has undergone a dramatic change and then ever since he had been recovered he’s been in bed with me!”

“What exactly are you trying to say, sir?” enquired Catch.

“That if Miss Hortensia was murdered in the last five or six hours then Drew Horner was making love to me and couldn’t possibly have killed anyone!”

“So, you’re happy to provide an alibi from Mr Horner – you’ll swear on that!?”

Dr Fish nodded. “Undoubtedly – so now I’ll need to find out where Horner is and you are going to have to find yourself another culprit…”

“They were trying to do that a little earlier…” Edie interjected crossly.

“…but not because they’d ruled Horner out…” continued Mavis. “…just because they’re both darn lazy!!”

The whole room fell silent – as if everyone was waiting to see who would speak next. In the end it was Virginia Hickliffe. The Sister stood forward, obviously rather disapproving of Selbourne’s relationship with the patient – however she had information of her own and took a sign before continuing.

“Well…” she began. “I might have an idea of someone you should question, Inspector…” she said and Catch and Merkin looked interested. “I saw Katrina arguing with someone…” she explained and as she spoke she was staring at Simon Yeti…

**

Meanwhile, back up on Floor 2, Tula had managed to slip away from everyone and was attempting to get closer to the site of the murder. Ever since she had learnt of the presence of tomato ketchup at the scene of the crime she had realised that the murderer was obviously the same person as the condiment thief – whoever that might be…

She was disappointed to discover that the reason that the room had been so easy to get into was that the police had already pretty much stripped the contents of the store after having taken fingerprints and photos; to take the contents away for forensic examination.

The only thing that remained was a light bulb swinging from its fitting and a dusty mirror on the wall…

Tula wasn’t sure what made her do it; but she crossed the room anyway and wiped away some of the dust from the mirror; partly to see if she looked as tired as she felt.

Surprisingly enough, she actually didn’t…

“That’s a relief!!” she beamed – but it was then she saw another figure standing behind her; a lady. Something told her that there was no point in turning around for the lady was dead.

It was Katrina Hortensia…

What will Tula do next? Can she help locate Katrina’s killer? Will Simon Yeti be given a grilling by Catch and Merkin? Will Horner remain in hiding? Can Raymond Snood get a helping hand or will he have to kill again? Find out in the next nipple-tweaking installment of Dusty Acres.

Mood music for this episode: "I Am Curious…"; Dusty Springfield, White Heat, 1982.

Part Ten: In Which The Hand Of Death Taints Them All...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Tom Crittenden is away this week so there are bound to be spelling mistakes - but he'll proof-reading the version that goes into the book!)

Ten: In Which The Hand Of Death Taints Them All…

“It's a game no-one wins… / Trying to hurt each other with those needles and pins… / I can't go back, can't go on… / But somehow I know the feeling isn't totally gone…”

From: "Breakin’ Up A Happy Home…" (Dennis Lambert / Brian Potter); Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.

The second time that Dr Fish and Horner had made love the good doctor had ended up falling asleep, but unusually Horner hadn’t felt cross with him, in fact he’d actually found it rather endearing. All the same, the constant alarms that kept going off weren’t the most conducive environment for a love struck couple in which to wallow and eventually Horner slipped off the hard examination bench and began to get dressed – admiring, with pride, the range of photos that the good doctor had secretly taken of him and slightly rueful over the fact that he’d not yet taken any since they’d so recently gotten together.

“Hey lover!!” muttered Dr Fish sleepily. “Are you leaving me in the lurch?”

Horner chuckled. “If I went anywhere at this precise moment then I’d be leaving you in the buff – so I’ll be around for a few moments more…” The funny thing was that an hour or so earlier he might have felt like running out of the door at the first possible opportunity – but not now. “Even when I’m dressed I won’t be going far…” he assured the doctor… “I just want to get my stuff and book out of here – but not away from you, I might add! Those sirens are really getting to me and I can’t go around dressing in these old slobby clothes any more. I’m a beautiful woman now and I really should start dressing like one…” he pointed out.

Dr Fish nodded in agreement. Horner could tell that his stalker was almost a little disappointed and suspected that he had rather enjoyed the stalking part of the relationship and hadn’t really expected his victim to make himself so available so quickly. And now; the secrecy of a clandestine relationship and the excitement of the fact that it was going to be brought out into the open looked like spoiling things too.

“I suppose you’ll be wanting to tell everyone about us…”

“Maybe!” Horner nodded. “Although I don’t want to get you into any trouble…”

Dr Fish smiled. The idea of trouble quite appealed to him. “Well – I’m sure it’ll all work out fine in the end!” he commented. “Let’s go out there! Let’s tell people – let’s enjoying every shocked reaction we receive because I really don’t care – all I know is that I love you, Drew Horner…”

Horner grinned widely. “I feel the same...” he replied and really meant it. “I love us both…” he said.

It all seemed so simple at that moment; but, of course things are never simple – especially after a murder…

**

Katrina Hortensia was dead…

She knew that; there was no doubting it – and yet…

…And yes there she was; looking down on her dead body – not from the ceiling like some sort of spirit – but as if through a dirty window about halfway up the wall of the small storeroom.

It was really quite bizarre – she could see her silent corpse and yes really – to be quite honest – she simply didn’t feel dead and hadn’t felt any pain. She was thankful for that but could work out if this was simply the normal experience of death or whether this was something other – something that always happened or whether it was something to do with the spells she had been attempting to cast upon herself and her killer as he had been bludgeoning her with plastic knives, forks and spoons…

Katrina took a deep breath (if that be possible for one who was probably dead) and peered down at dead body once again.

It had to be said; she looked a mess…

To be frank, she looked a little like some kind of porcupine – only rather than spines she had the many various handles of plastic forks, knives and spoons sticking up out of her. She could see that all over her clothes and all across the floor there stretched an ever widening pool of tomato ketchup and blood. She wasn’t a vain woman by nature, but on the other hand no-one liked to see themselves lying there in front of them looking so bad; not even after they were dead - not even a witch liked that…

But what should she do now? What COULD she do?

Not much it would seem… Her killer, whoever that had been – for she hadn’t seen his face, but she was sure that it had been a he – was long gone now…

But she; she was gone and yet still there – somewhere lost in limbo…

“Help me…” she called gently; almost just to hear the sound of her own voice. “Help me… Help me!! HELP ME, SOMEBODY – PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE!?”

But no-one came.

**

Meanwhile, back in the canteen, as it was getting late the whole place was now pretty deserted as the sirens kept going on and off, although still none of them had heard who was missing…

“We’ll go and check it out…” Edie had suggested.

“That’s right – we’ll check it out…” repeated Mavis. “You settle down with a coffee – we won’t be gone long!”

So Tula and Simon had done just that; but after almost half an hour, with no sign and no news, both Tula and Simon were becoming quite bored.

“You wanna go!?” Simon asked, for Tula looked sleepy.

“I don’t know – maybe we should…” she was eyeing the clock and looking rather alarmed – for it was pretty late now and she wasn’t sure how she was going to get home and didn’t fancy having to arrange a hotel at this time of night. Perhaps it would simply be better to just doze in the waiting room until morning and then set off back the way she had come. “Perhaps we should check on Horner before we go – just say goodbye…” she suggested – she was used to their being a set visiting hour at most hospitals, but this place seemed to have rules of its own that didn’t actually concur with the rules of the majority.

“Do you need somewhere to stay over!?” Simon enquired. “My flat is new and a little cluttered – but you’d be welcome!”

Tula was glad he’d asked – but was still a tad uncertain. She didn’t like to intrude; it wasn’t that she didn’t like Simon – far from it, but she just didn’t want to be an inconvenience. “You know what – I think I’m going to stay here – perhaps I’ll be able to stay with Edie or Mavis – after all, they are good friends of my Aunt Fatima! Horner will be out of here tomorrow – so I think I’ll hang around – see that he’s all okay and then head back home!”

“Stay here!?” exclaimed Simon. “Oh come on now – that’s not going to be very good for you… You’ll not get a moment’s peace!” he pointed out. “You can get a ride back to mine on the back of my penny farthing…” he suggested and then added, before she had time to contradict him. “I’ll not take no for an answer, my dear – dear friend…”

Tula found his enthusiasm irresistible. How could she deny him this act of generosity? There was no reason to – absolutely none. “Thank you!!” she said instead and finished her coffee. “Let me just check he’s okay and then we’ll leave…”

“At last!!” beamed Simon. “At last the lady speaks sense!!”

Tula chuckled and pulled a face at him. “Come along now and stop being so sarcastic…” she snapped, but only in jest.

This time, partly because of the alarms; just to be sure – they didn’t even take the lifts – neither the fast nor the slow one, instead they just took the stairs to the 2nd floor.

“I’m not risking it…” Tula laughed. “I really don’t want to bump into any more nutcases!!”

“What – like me!?”

“Oh yeah – exactly like you…” laughed Tula and they teased each other all the way upstairs.

There seemed to be quite a commotion up on the second floor – and it was coming from near Horner’s room.

“Oh my!” exclaimed Tula. “Don’t say it was Horner who went missing? Why would he do that – he was due to be discharged in the morning…”

“You don’t think…” Simon’s voice trailed off – he didn’t even want to consider it. “You don’t think Katrina went back and – oh this will sound awful – you don’t think Katrina went back and finished him off, do you!?”

“I really hope you’re wrong about that…” Tula told him and Simon nodded his agreement; they were about to go and find out when as Simon stepped forward he almost slipped up. “Careful!” Tula called, grabbing his furry arm to steady him – managing to save him from damage, but as she spoke her voice trailed off…

To be honest they hadn’t been very observant and certainly hadn’t been looking down at the floor. But now they saw that it wasn’t just water that Simon had slipped on…

His pristine white yeti sized sneakers were splattered red…

“Blood…” growled Simon and then again crossly due to the anger at realizing that his shoes were spoilt. “Blood!! I can smell it from here…”

It was actually quite a fresh trail and seemed to be slowly seeping from under the door of a store room…

Gingerly Tula turned the door handle and peered into the shadowy darkness; even so there seemed to be a faint light coming from an old lamp at the far end of the room. It didn’t look as if anyone has been in there for year; there was dust everywhere – a thick coating over all the furniture – even over the mirror…

…And there on the floor lay a body…

Tula wasn’t the screaming type – but she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to stop herself. The body had been hacked to death by the missing plastic spoons and forks from the canteen and a mixture of broken cutlery was strewn across the floor around the body amongst the discarded remnants of red plastic, tomato ketchup sachets; a mixture of dried blood and relish splattered across the wall…

But the body – the body…

Even from the doorway, both Tula and Simon could tell who it was…

“Katrina…” she gasped.

Now whilst Tula wasn’t a screamer, she still found that in this intense situation that she had to cover her mouth to prevent a cry escaping. Simon Yeti, however had no such restraint, Simon Yeti was a brave soul – especially when faced with blood and corpses; a less-politically correct person than Tula might have described him as a great big wuss – a girl – a big old nelly and Simon would have wholeheartedly agreed with them…

“AYE!!! AAAAAYYYYYYEEEE!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
Screamed Simon yeti and Tula had to put her hands over her ears to stop herself from going deaf.

She’d never heard a yeti scream before…

It was QUITE something…

There was no way a sound like that wouldn’t have attracted someone’s attention – but Tula would have guessed at the Sister or one of the Doctors showing up. So it was a relief, yet a surprise, when the first two faces to reach the scene of the crime were Mavis and Edie.

“There’s been a MURDER!!!” gulped Tula. “The condiment Killer has taken his first victim…”

“Good lord, yes… Undoubtedly Tula’s right!” agreed Mavis. “…And it appears that Mister Horner has gone missing!!”

“Oh my!!” choked back Tula. “Do you think the killer has got him too!?” she enquired, tears forming in her eyes.

Simon sighed and took her hand. “I’m not sure the ladies mean that – I think they might mean that maybe Horner did this…” he pointed out.

“No!” exclaimed Tula. “No! That’s impossible!! I mean – they always used to fight – but NOT this… This isn’t the sort of twisted thing that Horner would do…”

“Unless he’s changed, dear…” suggested Mavis. “Who knows what years and years of living with her might have done to him – maybe he finally snapped… Maybe he’s changed since you last saw him…”

But Tula shook her head. “But he CAN’T have done this, surely!?!” she protested.

But even she had to admit that it didn’t look so good…

All the evidence pointed towards Horner…

**

Raymond smiled as Sister Hickliffe tapped on the door and entered. She had left Drew Horner’s disappearance to someone else to look into, for now and come back to check on her favourite patient; a patient who wasn’t strictly her patient in the first place. He seemed a lot brighter and positive than he had been before; pleased to see her even and she could tell that he’d recently showered, as if trying to do his best to impress her, she reasoned.

“You smell nice, Raymond…” Virginia beamed generously.

“Thank you…” he replied, smiling back and trying to come up with something witty to say, but obviously failing. “I feel a lot better for freshening up…” he added.

In truth he’d not had much choice as he’d been covered in thick splatters of blood and tomato ketchup. It was not just on his pyjamas, but in his hair and he’d found specks on his face. He’d worn an old caretakers coat that he’d dug up from the storeroom to return to his room on the way back from the scene of the crime. For now he’d stuffed it in the gutter outside his bathroom window, as there had been no time to get rid of it any more further afield, right at that stage.

Now, he was clean he felt a lot better – in fact he felt cured; he just wasn’t sure how long it would last. Would this have done the job once and for all, he wondered? He daren’t even hope!!

Still, at least for now, at any rate, he was glad he hadn’t had to kill Sister Virginia. She seemed very enamoured with him and it wasn’t often that someone so tall and unruly looking as him gained that sort of attention. She wasn’t a bad looking woman; under 40 and with an amazing Dusty Springfield 60s heyday style hairdo. The adoration was nice, for now – it would probably be worth holding onto her – just in case he needed an alibi or alternatively needed to kill again to prolong his own life.

By the time he needed to kill again, (if he did), he might have grown bored of here – whatever way things panned out he could find a way to dispense of her…

The first time had been fun… Except…

Except that his first killing had brought a problem. In many ways it was fortunate that it had been who it was; his victim had been a witch – so was hardly a dull person to have bumped off…

Only… Well, the witch had cast a spell on him as they’d struggled and he wasn’t quite sure how to explain it without giving himself away. He’d have to wear a glove – it wasn’t something any doctor could help with; he’d have to remain silent.

“Thankyou for coming to see my sister…” he smiled. “I’d really like it if we could chat again later. I’m feeling a lot better but I think I need to rest before the doctor comes to examine me!”

“Of course!!” Virginia nodded, all she had taken in was his wish to see her again at some stage. “I’ll let you rest…” she agreed, giving him her brightest smile before departing.

Once she had gone Raymond pushed back back the sheet that had covered his arm. There it was; his hand – the victim of some spell that the dead witch had cast.

His hand; useless - as cold as ice – or more precisely – as cold as stone, for that was what it was now – a granite hand…

Meanwhile, whilst Raymond worried about his hand, Katrina tried calling out in the darkness of the storeroom. “HELLO ME!!” she cried, not knowing where she was. “HELP ME!! PLEASE!!!”

But still no-one came.

What will happen next time? Will the world be shocked by Horner’s new relationship? Will the Police want to question Tula about the killing? Can Raymond get away with murder or is he stuck with a stone hand and the ghost of his revengeful victim?

Find out in the next episode of Dusty Acres – the town the word “crazy” was invented for…

Mood music for this episode: "Breakin’ Up A Happy Home…" ; Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.

Part Nine: In Which A Witch Wishes That She'd Watched Out...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Tom Crittenden is away this week so there are bound to be spelling mistakes - but he'll proof-reading the version that goes into the book! :) )

Nine: In Which A Witch Wishes That She’d Watched Out…

“I don’t know what it is that makes me love you so! / I only know I never want to let you go! / ‘Cos you’ve started something… / Oh, can’t you see? / That ever since we met - / You’ve had a hold on me… / It happens to be true… / I only want to be with you…”

From: "I Only Want To Be With You…" (Ivor Raymonde / Mike Hawker); Dusty Springfield, A Girl Called Dusty, 1964.

Meanwhile, back in the canteen, Tula and Simon were slowly beginning to make some headway with their investigation into the missing condiments and the solution had been presented via a trail of sticky tomato ketchup which led across the canteen towards a store cupboard that was half concealed by a display board advertising HOW TO EAT JUNK FOOD HEALTHILY.

“There must have been a hole in one of the sachets…” Edie had pointed out and then when they’d found that the trail led to the store cupboard the lady had added. “Why Mavis! I never even knew that cupboard was there…”

It appeared neither did Mavis, but she had suggested that she’d go check for a key, until Tula had tried the lock and found that there was no need. “It’s open!” she announced.

“I rather think that it’s more likely that the lock’s been broken…” Simon suggested as Tula began to force the door open a crack. “Someone forced their way in there by the look of it…”

On second thoughts Tula nodded in agreement, creaking the door open fully to take a proper look inside. “We won’t need a key, Mavis – but we could probably do with a torch, if you have one, please…”

“Not a problem, dear!!” replied Mavis and nodded to Edie to go and fetch the aforementioned device.

“Someone’s been in here recently…” Tula muttered, as Simon stepped away from the opening – slightly fearful that he might get stuck in the doorway if he tried to peer any closer inside. “I can smell the slightly stale scent of cheap hospital shampoo…” he explained, wrinkling up his nose distastefully.

Tula was about to say something when Edie came hurrying back with the torch. “Well done, girl…” Mavis beamed, chivvying her on for her stirling and swift work.

“Thanks Edie…” Tula added gratefully, switching on the torch and peering inside. “Oh goodness…” she gasped all of a sudden. “Well, this is where your condiments went…” she concluded. “But I’m not sure you’re going to be able to salvage any of them!”

“What, on earth do you mean, dear lady…” Simon exclaimed.

“Well, come and have a look…” Tula suggested, beckoning them all over and so Edie, Mavis and a rather reluctant looking Simon crowded around the open door as Tula shone the torchlight into the shadows of the previously hidden cupboard.

“Oh my! What a waste!” Edie exclaimed.

“It’s positively sinister…” remarked Simon.

“It’s inexplicable…” Mavis added. “Except it probably isn’t – it’s just we don’t know the reason yet…”

Inside the cupboard the walls were smeared an inch thick with slowly congealing tomato sauce and then sprinkled with the contents of the salt and pepper sachets. Plastic knives and forks had been stabbed into the stone walls, snapped and discarded, but the perpetrator was now long gone.

“They’ll be some method to this madness…” agreed Tula, wishing she had just the first clue as to what that reason might be. “But whoever did it has slipped away – it may still be worth getting the police in to check on fingerprints… I mean, this could be the work of one of your patients; a closet psychopath…”

Mavis nodded. It wasn’t perhaps as mad a suggestion as it might have first seemed. “It’s certainly not the action of a normal individual…” she agreed.

Just as Edie was about to add her own words of wisdom, suddenly the air was filled by the sound of a high-pitched siren.

“What on earth is that!?” bellowed Simon crossly, clamping his paws over his ears. “Is the whole place on fire or something!?”

Suddenly the alarm stopped, Tula gave out a breath of relief, but Mavis was still looking concerned. “That…” she explained. “”Wasn’t a fire alarm – it was an alarm to announce that one of the patients has gone missing…”

**

She was sure exactly why, but as soon as Sister Hickliffe heard the missing patients siren, she had a nasty suspicion that it might be Raymond Snood who had gone on A.W.O.L.

Virginia knew that Ray found his condition very draining; who wouldn’t – it was bad enough to be considered dull – let along to have a condition that declared you dull AND looked likely to kill you, to boot.

But Virginia Hickliffe really couldn’t see it, she simply didn’t find Raymond Snood dull in the slightest…

Unless, perhaps – dare she admit it to herself – she too was dull.

Maybe she was, just a little bit. After all she liked knitting and enjoyed nothing better than dead heading the few plants that grew in her garden – just pottering around antique shops on a Sunday afternoon. That perhaps, and the occasional tea and scones in an exquisite tea shops, an occasional trip to the cinema to see the new Woody Allen film or an old Audrey Hepburn film or two – a long weekend to Paris on the Eurostar with school day chums. Afternoon walks. Long pub lunches. Sudoko.

Yes, if that constituted being dull then she – Sister Virginia Hickliffe was gloriously – resolutely – PROUDLY dull.

She’d noticed definite improvement in Raymond’s condition in the last 24 hours. He looked perkier – happier – he was rallying against his condition and doing so successfully.

She did hope that he hadn’t done something stupid – hurrying down the corridors towards his room.

…And when she got there…

“THANK GOODNESS!!”

There he was, still tucked up in his bed…

“Thank goodness it wasn’t you, Raymond…” she beamed to herself. The siren had stopped now, but she decided she would still use it as an excuse to pop into his room and to say a quick “hello!”

“Hello!!!” she duly trilled as she came hurrying in through the door. “Just coming to see how you’re doing…” she chattered, checking his room was well ventilated, rearranging the flowers in the vase by his bed, flipping up his progress chart, but never once actually making eye contact with Raymond. “Just wanted to let you know that the siren you may have heard is nothing to be worried about – it wasn’t a fire alarm – one of the patients appears to have gone missing – but we’re not sure who, as yet…”

“That’s annoying!” smiled Raymond, doing his best to smile, but Virginia noticed that he was looking pale and unhealthy again and her heart leapt out to him.

“Ah well, yes – it is a bit…” she agreed, blushing. “Anyway – I really have to make a move… Must go and try and track down our runaway…”

It had suddenly occurred to her that maybe it was the amphibian man who had shed his scales and become a woman, who was missing – especially after what she had witnessed in the corridor earlier between the yeti and the witch with those sorts of people as friends, no wonder he wanted to jump ship.

She decided she’d have to go and check; not that she really wanted to leave Raymond.

…And then he said it. “Do you really have to go, Sister?”

Her heart suddenly felt like it had melted. It wasn’t much, just a small hint of endearment – of dependence or requirement of her company – but it was enough and it meant so much to her.

Little did she realise that his only real motive was murder.

“Kill her and you’ll be cured…” he convinced himself. “Kill her and you’ll be dull no more…”

As the Sister had been walking around the room arranging things he’d been wondering what item of the room’s furniture he could use to finish her off.

The bed pan? The vase of flowers? Maybe her stethoscope or a particularly sharp GET WELL SOON card. (He was sure that papercuts would kill eventually!) The best solution was probably to use the trouser press on the wall – although he wasn’t sure it was hot enough or she slim enough for this to be a reality!

Outside in the corridor there was still a bit of a commotion and the siren went off for a second time…

“You should go…” said Raymond.

“I should go…” said Sister Virginia as exactly the same time, but for quite different reasons they had come to the same response.

Raymond knew that he needed a different approach. Killing Sister Hickliffe in his own room was just stupid – it might cure him of his illness, but it would also see him incarcerated in jail for the rest of his life. He knew that he had to wait and then maybe follow her until the opportunity arose – then get back to his room as quickly as possible. Afterall – killing her in his room was a stupid thing to do – he didn’t want to actually get caught for the murder. What was the point in being cured of Terminal Dullness if you spent the rest of your days in prison.

No… He had to be careful… Clever and not be found out…

“Yes… Yes… I really MUST go!” Virginia was saying, but added. “I’ll return when it’s quieter and then we can continue our nice chat…”

“Sure…” agreed Raymond, trying to look as grateful as possible. “Thank you so much…”

“My pleasure!!” beamed Sister, gave a wave and then was on her way.

As soon as the door banged shut Raymond was on his feet and out the door and after her. Everyone was rushing about out in the corridors that no-one stopped him. He was carrying a newspaper and on the couple of occasions that Sister Hickliffe turned back to briefly chat to passing colleague he simply raised the paper to cover his face.

It didn’t take them long to reach her destination, but much to his dismay there were a number of orderlies outside the Ward B room.

“We’ve worked out who’s gone missing…” he heard one of the orderlies explain. “It’s that Mr Horner – or is it Mrs Horner!? You know – the amphibian patient that we had on this floor…”

Sister nodded gravely. “I thought as much – okay…”

There were too many people coming his way, so Raymond made a quick decision and dashed into the nearest broom cupboard to hide.

Actually, it turned out to be slightly bigger than a broom cupboard. It was more like a caretaker’s store – but not one that had been used in a while. There was a mirror and a kettle – but both were covered in a thick layer of dust.

It was then he suddenly realised that he had come unprepared. He had no weapons with him – only pockets full of ketchup and plastic cutlery. “I’ll make do…” he sighed.

Now he just had to wait for his moment…

**

Meanwhile, back in Dr Fish’s concealed photographic dark room – the two lovers lay back in each other’s arms and they both seemed to have developed wide, wide grins on their faces.

“I can’t believe how right this feels…” whispered Dr Fish, coming on all Mills & Boon in the midst of his haze of bliss.

“It was pretty – rather – well, yes – kind of interesting and nice…” admitted Horner, not completely sure of what he’d just experienced, but not wanting to offend the doctor, who was obviously so smitten and being as he was also a bit of a first class stalker, Horner didn’t want to offend him for fear that he might go off the handle.

The most worrying; he realised – as he analysed what he and the good doctor had just gone through, was that – HE’D ACTUALLY ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF THEIR TIME TOGETHER!!!!

Not that he’d had a great deal of time to really think too much about the whole matter for the alarms kept going off…

“That’s a really irritating sound…” sighed Horner. “Are we on fire?”

Dr Fish sniggered. “WE might be… I think we really must be after all the evidence I just saw – but if you mean is the hospital on fire, then no – that’s just the alarm that announces that a patient has gone missing – and in this case I imagine that the person might well be you…”

“Oh really!” Horner raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Am I now officially a runaway! But I’m fine… I was expecting to be discharged in the very near future…”

“Discharged…” grinned Dr Fish, but then looked a little more somber. “I’m afraid not many people ever get to be discharged from this hospital…” he admitted. “Most people just seem to stay here for good…”

Horner frowned, not really taking in the full spookiness of this statement. “Well, I shan’t be… I’m feeling fit and well again – thank you very much…”

“Well, you’re stamina is certainly holding up…” Dr Fish beamed and snuggled closer. “I’m a doctor – so that’s official – I know it as a fact!!”

“Ah good… So what are we going to do about this alarm, then?” Horner queried.

“I say – let it rung – and whilst it does maybe you might like to submit to a full examination – just to make sure there isn’t any undetected illness that we’ve not yet traced…”

Horner grinned widely. “You know what!?” he replied. “I think I really would like that very much…”

**

Meanwhile, back in Horner’s room, Katrina peered through the curtains from out on the balcony, where once the mysterious photographer had stood. She was wondering if all the people that had been crowding around Horner’s room had perhaps finally gone, by now. At least, everything had gone quiet again. She’d gone to try and speak with Horner, to try and apologise in quite an untypical way, for all that occurred over the last 24 hours – only to find that he was not in his room. He hadn’t been discharged because all his stuff was still there.

She’d checked under the bed and in the wardrobe, even down the plughole, but there had been no sign of her ex-husband and it was then the siren had started going and Katrina had suddenly been concerned that she’d be blamed for his disappearance.

But now, after all that cuffuffle the room did seem to have fallen quiet – and so it was time to be getting out of there…

Katrina’s plan went well, to start with; she got all her way out of the room and down towards the lifts when she heard the familiar voice of the Sister who had spoken to her earlier.

“Well Sir, I really don’t think there’s any need to call the police…”

At the mention of the police, Katrina rather panicked and opened the door of a cupboard she was standing next to in an attempt to conceal herself before the Sister rounded the corner and saw her there. Inside the store cupboard it was pitch black except for the dim glow from what appeared to be a candle burning in the corner. As she waited for the Sister and her companion to pass she heard a movement behind her and suddenly became aware that she was not alone.

As she turned, a man stumbled out of the shadows – he was wearing a paper shopping bag over his head with eyeholes torn out of it and he carried a plastic fork.

“What are you doing? Who are you?” But there came no reply. “Excuse me… But…”

The first blow from the plastic fork did nothing, but the second attempt not only snapped it but sent the jabby part deep into her chest. Katrina tried to scream out, but ended wrestling with the figure who had attacked her – she tried to grab and tear the mask – but already he had chosen two new weapons – another plastic knife and a plastic spook. She tried to cast a spell, muttering an ancient hex as the bludgeoning attack continued. Katrina lashed out with her long witchy nails; but it did no good – he was using tooth picks as well now and was attempting to pierce her ears with them or something. Both of them seemed to be covered in a mixture of her blood and, rather bizarrely, tomato ketchup.

“NOW WHO’S THE BORING ONE!!” he cried loudly, but no-one seemed to hear them struggling in the cupboard, for nobody came to help. “YOU HELP ME LIVE!!” he cried jubilantly. “YOU MAKE ME LIVE!!!”

Katrina kept muttering her hex – but as she passed out for what might very well be the last time she thought to herself that she had never imagined she would meet her death there that day in a hospital store cupboard; after more than 200 years of life – finally death had come to her via plastic cutlery!!

The last word she heard from her attacker was she slipped away – as he stopped manically laughing for a moment and stepped away from her corpse to admire his handywork; was a single solitary utterance.

“Sorry…” said her killer and began to cry somewhat insincerely.

…And with that Katrina died…

What will become of Raymond Snood now? Will having killed Katrina Hortensia be enough to cure his illness? Will Sister Hickliffe be safe? Will ANYONE be safe or might Tula and Simon Yeti somehow trace the soon to be legendary Condiment Killer and what will Horner feel when he learns that he was busy making whoopee when his ex-wife was murdered…

Find out the answer to this and many other crucial questions in the next unharmonious, toe-tapping episode of Dusty Acres – the notorious tomato ketchup smeared saga of death…

Mood music for this episode: "I Only Want To Be With You…" ; Dusty Springfield, 1964.

Part Eight: In Which Horner Finds Himself An Object Of Desire…

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)

Eight: In Which Horner Finds Himself An Object Of Desire…

“Stay awhile, let me hold you… / Stay awhile, ‘til I’ve told you, oh, oh… / Of the love that I feel tonight, oh yeah…”

From: "Stay Awhile" (Ivor Raymonde / Mike Hawker); Dusty Springfield, Single, 1964.

Simon Yeti was continuing to make his way to Horner’s room, having been intercepted by Katrina and dragged into an argument. He was undeniably furious – not with Horner, certainly not with dear Tula Swiss, and not even solely with Katrina. In actual fact he was most furious with himself…

Furious for allowing himself to be dragged into this whole business in the first place…

“A new house – a new life – a new set of friends; I really didn’t need to get involved with all this…”

But Simon was a pretty positive sort of yeti, and liked to try and focus on the good things emerging from a bad situation.

“Well, at least I’ve met Miss Tula properly…” he reasoned cheerfully. In fact, he was so deep in thought that he wasn’t looking where he was going, and walked straight into a pillar.

Except it wasn’t a pillar…

It was a person; a doctor: Doctor Selbourne Fish…

“I’m sorry,” he said, apologetically, “I was in rather a rush… I’m concerned about Mr Horner in Ward 7. His ex-wife has been giving him a lot of hassle – I’m concerned that something bad might have happened…”

Dr Fish sighed and nodded agreement. “I quite understand, Sir,” he replied. “The lady in question has been asked to leave…”

Simon cast a look around. “I know – I saw her – she was out here and we argued, but she’d gone now…”

“Well, the fact is this simply won’t be allowed to happen again…” Dr Fish assured the yeti. “She had already been put on an exclusion list – but now I’m going to arrange for Mr Horner’s room to be kept on a 24 hour watch until he is well enough to leave here. Which we hope won’t be very much longer now…”

“Would it be okay for me to just see him quickly!?” Simon requested, but the doctor shook his head.

“I’m sorry – sorry, no… Not just now – he needs his sleep. Now listen, I really must make a move and go and speak to security, if you don’t mind?” he snapped, tersely.

Simon was quite taken aback by this sudden change of tone, but didn’t want to get in the doctor’s way. For a second he was almost tempted to see if he couldn’t perhaps go and speak with Horner, despite Dr Fish’s orders – but then decided that he should probably return to the canteen and find Tula.

Deciding that it would be quicker to slide down the stair banisters rather than take the lift, Simon was soon back with Miss Swiss, who was dutifully doing her best to help Mavis and Edie locate the missing condiments.

“Oh!” exclaimed Tula as he loomed into view looking a little hotter and sweatier than he had before. “SIMON! YOU’RE BACK! That was quick… How was Horner!?”

Simon sighed and did his best to explain; telling of how he’d argued with Katrina and spoken with Dr Fish without actually ever getting to see Horner.

“Well, that all sounds very intense…” Tula agreed, for she was still concerned about Horner’s well-being, however was trying to keep it at the back of her mind as much as possible. “I have to say, however Simon, that these two ladies have brought to my attention the fact that somebody has been perpetrating a most heinous crime in this very canteen…”

Simon’s eyes widened and he gave Edie and Mavis a very understanding look. “Don’t tell me... you’ve discovered a moth infestation in your serviettes!?” he suggested.

“Not this week, dear…” conceded Edie. “But it has happened before now!”

Simon raised an eyebrow knowingly. “I once had moths living in my favourite hat!” he explained. “They even tried to have a go at me – I had to shave my dreadlocks off in the end as they were getting tatty – and it was all the fault of those moths!” he growled furiously. “So if it’s not moths, then what’s up!?”

Mavis was the one to tell him. “It’s the tiny sachets of tomato ketchup and mayonnaise – not to mention the little salt and pepper packets. They were here earlier, but now they’ve all gone and we’ve hardly had a customer in all day as a result…”

Simon tried to think of something useful to say. “Do you have any more to put out!?” he suggested hopefully. “Maybe we could catch the culprit if we could rig up some trap or other!?”

“Ah…” replied Tula sadly, but allowed Edie to explain.

“We thought of that…” she said and then looked over at Mavis, who nodded in her direction, indicating that she should finish. “But someone had stolen all the spares too… All six boxes full, can you believe it!?”

Simon couldn’t.

“Oh my!” exclaimed the yeti, disgusted to hear this. “Well, what a pretty pickle this whole business is…” he concluded.

…And truly Simon had it right on that point…

However, not so far away, someone was taking great delight in the crimes that he had recently been masterminding.

… And that person was Raymond Snood…

Sitting in a store cupboard, peering through a keyhole watching events unfold with his new collection of condiments, Raymond was feeling a whole lot happier now than he had done in a very long time.

“I’m going to get well…” he whispered to himself. “Who’s dull now, hey!? Not me… Not me!” he chuckled, and then added, “I’m not dull – and I am going to live forever…”

**

Meanwhile, back on the second floor Katrina Hortensia stuck her head out of the slow lift and looked around. Having argued with Simon she had stormed off into the lift some 20 minutes ago only to find that the mice that ran it were off somewhere on a break. Now, with Simon out the way she had experienced a sudden change of heart about her ex-husband.

“He said he still had feelings for me – even after all I put him through…” she reasoned. “He may be a beautiful woman right at the moment – but that’s not going to last… and after all, what did he ever do to me to deserve such poor treatment? NOTHING!!” she concluded.

She had simply become bored of him; she had made him suffer for the simple sin of being consistently good to her (even if not consistent in his appearance). Niceness was something that witches never really took that well to. Looking back she realised that they probably should have married within their own kind, but back in the late 1700s when they had first met she had felt very differently. Most wizards had been extremely conservative and were only into music which involved the excessive use of mandolins, as rock music (yet alone Goths!) hadn’t actually been invented by that stage.

By marrying an amphibian man she successfully managed to be disowned by the majority of her freakish family…

Perfect!!! At least she had certainly thought so at the time.

She’d never considered how it would affect the number of Christmas presents she got. For even as a witch with a bad temper, Katrina still liked receiving presents – even if it was the skull of an enemy or some badly rotting fruit.

Katrina was just about to open the door to Horner’s room when a hand came down firmly on her shoulder, almost giving her a coronary. She was quite expecting the apprehender to lecture her about not disturbing the patient – especially as not so long ago it had been her who had been trying to kill him. But when she turned she found herself facing Sister Hickliffe, whose expression seemed to be one of sympathetic concern.

“Are you okay?” she enquired. “I mean, I saw that dreadful yeti arguing with you by the lifts – I was frightened he was going to hurt you…” she explained.

Katrina blinked, a little taken aback still. “Err, yeah…” she croaked, unused to anyone showing her any concern. “Yes… yes… I’m fine…” she added, trying to manage a smile.

“I feel so guilty!!” Virginia added. “I really should have intervened and I promise you that I would have, had you not concluded your conversation! Thank goodness you’re ok!”

“Yes! Thank goodness!” agreed Katrina, still surprised at how furious her debate with Simon had appeared. At the time she had thought nothing of it. She’d treated him thoughtlessly and had probably deserved the dressing down; but of course the Sister didn’t know that. Had Simon not helped her to the hospital, she would have probably turned him into a toadstool or a traffic warden or something for talking to her like that – but he’d helped her. She had been grateful and so she hadn’t!!

Still, it couldn’t possibly hurt to make the Sister think that she was a little upset…

“Yes I’m okay…” Katrina said and gave a little sob. “It fair shook me up at first – I don’t know what got into the gentleman…” she sighed. “I’m afraid he’s a little jealous – he’s been trying to get my attention for some time, but I’ve told him, I’m not a free woman… He just hasn’t been able to take no for answer… It’s quite upsetting. Affairs of the heart – eh, Sister – they’re not worth getting involved in!”

Sister Hickliffe nodded understandingly, for she knew how her own feelings were developing for Raymond Snood. “Some people are special – some spend their life chasing others and some are eternally chased. Sadly I seem to be fated to chase those who may not care for me; but you – you seem to have admirers – you must be a very special lady…”

Katrina smiled and nodded. “I think you’re right – I am…” she agreed.

From Virginia’s expression Katrina determined that perhaps the Sister hadn’t expected such an honest and downright arrogant response. “Ah well… I’m just thankful you’re okay – I just wanted to make sure – I’d better get on now!”

“Yes dear, you do that…” agreed Katrina and did her best to manage a smile. “Thank you for being concerned!!”

“No problem…” Katrina kept a smile fixed on her face as she watched the Sister hurry away, leaving the witch standing outside Horner’s door unchecked, as before.

Taking her chance, Katrina quickly opened the door and stepped into Horner’s room. “I’m terribly sorry if I woke you, Horner my beloved…” she began.

But Horner was gone. The bed was empty. There was no sign of her beautiful ex-husband anywhere…

So where was he?!

**

Meanwhile, not so very far away, Horner opened his eyes slowly. He wasn’t sure quite where he was at first – except that he appeared to be in some kind of shrine to himself, both before and after his recent transformation. The walls were covered with photos taken in the ward over the last couple of days. It took him just a few seconds to recall that he’d seen a strange figure on the balcony just before his final skin change and the photos spanned the time before that change, right up to the photos that had been taken only a few minutes before – photos that were still wet and hanging up from having only just been developed.

But at least one question had been answered. He knew who had been taking the photos.

“Dr Fish…” he whispered, for there before Horner stood the doctor himself, wearing what appeared to be a long, almost transparent doctor’s smock.

“Hello Drew…” purred Selbourne Fish (if, indeed, it’s possible for a fish to purr… perhaps he was a kind of cat fish…). “I hope I didn’t scare you…” he continued. “You’re very beautiful now your skin has been fully shed – I wanted to take a photo – I think it’s fair to say I may be obsessed with you – I do hope you don’t mind…”

Horner sighed and shivered a little. “I’m cold…” he said. “Will you come join me here on this couch? Will you warm me up a little, Dr Fish?”

“Please – call me Selbourne…” he smiled, over-joyed that he hadn’t been rejected. “Call me Romulus if you like, but Selbourne’s my actual name – but I’m sure if doesn’t really matter too much!” As he spoke he laid down the camera that he’d been holding. “Are you sure you don’t mind me joining you?” he enquired, slightly bashfully. “I was concerned that your wife might still be trying to kill you…” he explained, coming close and allowing the smock to fall to the floor until he was full exposed.

“My ex-wife!” smiled Horner, shaking his beautiful long hair and beckoning the doctor closer, taking him by the hand and pulling him down towards his new and voluptuous curves. “I’ve not used this body yet!” he whispered in Selbourne’s ear. “Why don’t we try it out together? I want to show you how grateful I am for you saving me!” he added. “Would you like that?”

Selbourne Fish groaned delightedly as Horner’s cold hands touched his naked scales and so the former amphibian took this to be a yes…

**

Back in the Ward, Sister Virginia Hickliffe was glad to see that wherever Raymond had been, he was at least now back in his bed. She wondered for a moment about whether she should go to speak to him, but then decided that it was best to let him sleep.

“Rest well, sweet Raymond…” she murmured under her breath, picking up a discarded, yet unopened, tomato ketchup sachet lying a tad forlornly by the entrance to Mr Snood’s room.

Inside the room Raymond opened his eyes as soon as Sister Virginia was gone. His bed was full of condiments, small plastic knives and forks and packets of pepper and salt. To begin with he had been quite content – but already he could feel that this would not be enough. The itchy rash – the early stages of his condition which had subsided earlier in the day whilst he’d been adventuring – was already back. Either he could try stealing something new or he’d have to try something even more loony – something less boring…

“I know what I must do…” he whispered. “Stealing condiments just isn’t enough – the only way to help me live is to kill another – commit a murder; a life for a life…”

Generally Raymond Snood was a rather squeamish sort of man, but this time he knew he had no choice – and for that matter he knew who he must kill.

Sister Virginia Hickliffe…

Will Raymond really sacrifice the lovely Sister Virginia who holds such a deep crush for him or will he find another victim to aid his recovery? Will Horner go all the way with his stalker, Dr Fish, or might Katrina intervene? And can Tula and Simon help Mavis and Edie solve the riddle of the missing condiments…

Find out the answer to this and much much more in the next caber-tossing, skunk juggling installment of Dusty Acres…

Mood music for this episode: "Stay Awhile" ; Dusty Springfield, Single, 1964.

THE NEXT EPISODE OF DUSTY ACRES WILL BE PUBLISHED ON FRIDAY 20TH JULY 2007

Part Seven: In Which The Hospital Is Full Of Villains Of All Shapes And Sizes…

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)

Seven: In Which The Hospital Is Full Of Villains Of All Shapes And Sizes…

“It’s the way you make me feel… / The moment I am close to you… / It’s a feeling so unreal… / Somehow I can’t believe it’s true! / The pounding I feel in my heart - / The hoping that we’ll never part - / I can’t believe this is really happening to me…”

From: "I Close My Eyes & Count To Ten…" (C. Westlake); Dusty Springfield, Single, 1968.

Meanwhile elsewhere, whilst Raymond Snood continued to make his plans for world domination – he wasn’t doing so unobserved. In fact Sister Hickcliffe had been watching him intently through a crack in the door for quite some while. She wasn’t quite sure what he was up to – to be perfectly honest he was simply muttering to himself – but he seemed to be very much enraptured by whatever it was he was planning.

“The poor man – he’s finding it very difficult to accept that his condition is terminal,” she thought to herself. She had been present in the hospital before when patients had been found to be suffering with similar ailments; chronic incompetence, overwhelming indifference, excessive body odour. “There’s really nothing that can be done…”

She was actually a little concerned; Raymond Snood was from a well-off family, and had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now, checked in as a private patient. His health had taken a considerable turn for the worse and he hadn’t been expected to make it through the night.

…And yet it hadn’t happened…

The theory was that this was because he had been getting out and about around the hospital, and although he was still pretty dull himself, some of the experiences that he was coming across were less than dull. Perhaps these experiences had been rubbing off a little interesting vibe on the poor man.

“Maybe he’s even beginning to rally against this dreadful condition of his,” she mused hopefully as she returned to her office to make herself a coffee and continue with her business.

…And yet she found that she simply couldn’t keep away…

However, when Sister Hickliffe returned to check on Raymond some 20 minutes later, intending to see if there was anything she could do to help, she was surprised to find that Raymond was gone…

“He really shouldn’t be out on his own…” she muttered to herself, for she knew of his recent relapse and didn’t like to think of him having another set back.

If she was honest with herself – honest about her feelings, she was developing a little crush on Mr Snood, and it wasn’t just the incentive of his potential wealth, either!

“Virginia,” she told herself, “you know you’re not meant to get involved with patients. It simply doesn’t pay to get emotionally involved – especially not when they’re terminally dull and fading fast!”

There was no doubt that something needed to be done with Raymond – someone needed to go and find him, and she needed to check who was in charge of his condition, as this wasn’t even her area of the hospital to be overseeing.

The corridors of this part of the building seemed eerily deserted and she wasn’t sure where the duty doctor’s office was. Had Virginia had her plan of the hospital with her then she could probably have found out the answer pretty quickly – but instead she opened the first door she came to and strode into the room on the other side of the door, hoping to find someone in charge.

However, once in the room she found that the lights were off, which was rather disconcerting to say the least. The door slammed shut behind her, and she had to feel around in the dark to find the light switch, which took her longer than she expected and she only just about managed not to knock anything over.

The light came on and at first she noticed nothing unusual with the room. It was just the standard doctor’s office; desk, chairs, filing cabinet… There was no-one there, and nothing to even hint at whose office she was in. However, she walked straight on through into the back office out of sheer nosiness, rather than because she thought anyone might be in there.

Virginia stopped short in the doorway – before her in the room ahead wasn’t the usual coats, supplies and personal items of a typical senior medic – what she saw there was something that looked more like the dark room of a photographer. Sister suddenly felt unusually nervous – as if she shouldn’t have been there, which in fact she probably shouldn’t have been…

Up on the wall there were what appeared to be hundreds of photos, freshly taken and developed. They appeared to be of the same patient and she recognised him as Drew Horner; the amphibian man who had come in only just the other day. The photos were taken of him in his room – before his changes and then after, when he had become the beautiful female Horner.

“This is creepy…” Virginia gasped under her breath. “Who on earth would DO this!?!”

**

Meanwhile, back on Floor 2, Ward 7 – Room B, Tula had put up with quite enough of listening to Horner and Katrina squabble, and had decided that she needed a break. Although she’d been tempted to leave altogether, instead she had gone down to the canteen – making sure that she took the fast lift down this time.

She was just about to reach the entrance to the food hall when she heard a voice calling her. “Tula! Tula!” It was Simon Yeti. “Can I join you? I think I need a break too!”

Tula sighed, glad that it wasn’t Horner. “Please do,” she encouraged, “I could do with a furry shoulder to cry on…”

Simon chuckled. “My shoulders are all yours – but after what we just went through back there I think I might need a petite lady shoulder for my own spot of blubbing…”

Tula gave his arm a reassuring hug. “Feel free – we’ll be each other’s support system – it’ll work out just perfect!”

They began to queue for refreshment – there were no plates, but Simon found them some clean napkins to place their sticky buns on. After a moment or so of awkward silence, Simon spoke up again. “I hope you weren’t insulted by what I said up there earlier, I wasn’t exactly tactful – I just saw red when Katrina claimed that we were engaged. What I meant to say is; well, I didn’t mean to put it quite the way I did! You’re a beautiful woman, Tula and I’m sure you know that – it’s just that…” he sighed, not wishing to dig himself any deeper.

Tula was laughing though, hugging his arm again affectionately. “Not at all, dear yeti! Really, I’m flattered that you just said what you did – but really – there’s no need to apologise! You’re a gorgeous yeti – but it’s never going to happen… you’re not a ladies yeti – that’s all!!”

Simon beamed. “Hey! We might even be into the same kind of men – odd ones, I mean – did you really go out with the swampy princess, back there?” he teased.

Tula blushed. “Well yes… But I have to say that he was pretty much going through a two year period of being all humanoid when I dated him…” she explained.

By this point they’d reached the serving hatch and Tula was amused to discover that the dinner ladies came in the form of the previously reception based Mavis and Edie.

“Hello dear!!” exclaimed Mavis. “How’s it going!? Did you see, Mr Horner?” she enquired, as Edie stood at her side and stared at Simon suspiciously; a serving spoon hanging uselessly in her grasp.

“We did, thank you… I did get stuck in the slow lift, though – which was a little unpleasant…”

“Oh dear, dear!” Mavis sighed apologetically. “I’m sorry – we should have warned you about that…”

“Never mind…” Tula assured her. “I met a man who was terminally dull which kind of killed the time. Actually, it nearly killed me, he was so dull – but it did also thankfully kill the time…” she added, with a smile.

Mavis nodded. “There are a lot of men like that around here, but I presume that you mean Mr Snood?” Mavis was about to say something more, but Edie was jabbing her in the side with a whisk. “Edie, what is it?” she snapped. “Will you stop that, I’m not an Angel Delight!!”

Edie shot her friend a rather disapproving frown and then drew her aside. “Miss Tula is with the yeti gentleman…” she pointed out and Tula thought it sounded like one of those secret passwords that people used to mutter to one another to obtain free sausage rolls and the like, during wartime. “The yeti…” continued Edie delicately. “…came here with the WITCH!!”

Mavis nodded, but seeing as Edie’s whispers had been perfectly audible to both Tula and Simon, Tula felt she ought to clear up the matter as soon as possible. “Yes… Yes – but it’s no cause for alarm; Simon knows mutual friends of ours! He knows Auntie for a start… He only gave Katrina a lift here – he thinks she’s as mad as we do!!”

“Oh…” Edie almost looked disappointed. Simon decided that it was time he stood up for himself. “Yes! Yes! Quite…” he confirmed. “She’s crazy! Quite crazy! The witch, I mean – not Tula, here…” he started looking nervous that he may have been misconstrued and Tula could see that beneath his fur Simon’s brow looked quite sweaty with worry. “Look!” he said suddenly. “I’m not sure it’s at all wise to leave Horner on his own up there – can I give you the money and you get me a platter and 17 large doughnuts, perhaps!?”

Tula nodded. “Sure! Sure!” she was glad he’d suggested it. “Pay me later – or take it as a sweet sticky gift of friendship!”

Simon nodded. “If they’re too annoying I may be back before you even leave here…” he added and then hurried away in a flurry of anxious fur.

Turning back to Mavis to confirm her order, Tula noticed a curious look on the old lady’s face. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“There’s something very odd going on in this canteen…” Mavis announced suspiciously. “Someone is playing tricks… Things are going missing!”

“Oh goodness…” sighed Tula sympathetically. “Maybe it’s imps…” she suggested and then felt bad for making such a frivolous claim. “What exactly are they stealing?” she enquired.

“Well, it’s only happened a couple of times so far,” Mavis explained, “but I have no idea who is doing it. Whoever the thief is, all they seem interested in are the packets of pepper and salt and the small sachets of tomato ketchup!”

**

Meanwhile, back on Floor 2, Simon was heading towards Ward 7, Room B when around the corner and looking mighty guilty came hurrying the witch, Hortensia.

“Oh Simon! What a relief to see you!” she cackled, having apparently forgotten how he had rebuffed her only a little while before. “No hard feelings about what was said, I hope…” she continued, looking awkward and as if she wanted to be out of the area as quickly as possible; but Simon wasn’t happy to leave things in this way.

“What you did back there was appalling!!” he growled. “How dare you embarrass me like that – you barely know me and there you are telling your husband I’m your new fiancé…”

“Ex-husband – well, soon to be ex….”

But Simon wasn’t going to let her get away with this, either metaphorically or literally and he blocked her way into the lift. “So, what’s going on? What have you done to that poor amphibian now!?” he challenged – not convinced by Katrina’s act of supposed innocence.

“He’s fine, furrychops – don’t get in a fluster…” she protested, trying to calm him, although it seemed to do no good.

“I don’t believe you,” snapped the yeti, reaching out to grab her arm, “we’re going back to check he’s okay…”

“Hey, get your hands off me, you great oaf!” Katrina screamed suddenly, struggling to get away.

Watching this scene from the other side of the hallway was the already confused figure of Sister Hickliffe who was already bemused by all the strange photographs that she had found in the unmanned office earlier. She’d been too unnerved to stick around and find out whose office it was, and there had been no name on the door. In fact, it didn’t seem to be an office that was officially regularly used by anyone, right at the moment.

Virginia had been about to speak with the patient from the photos to see whether he knew that he’d been photographed – hopefully without causing too much alarm – but now she’d walked straight into the middle of an argument between a witch and a giant yeti.

“This place gets odder and odder…” she sighed wearily – in fact it was beginning to quite unnerve her…

Meanwhile, back in Room B on Ward 7, despite all suggestions to the contrary, Horner was alive and well, albeit still flagging due to his recent transformation. Skin-Time was a very trying period of any amphibian man’s life and not only was Horner in need of some quality slumber before he could consider going home, but he also needed to be fed; something that hadn’t happened in some while.

The most recent argument with Katrina had quite exhausted him, even though he didn’t like to admit it…

Hearing the door open when he was just dozing off gave him a little hope that perhaps he was about to get some dinner. Opening his eyes up just to a squint he was pleased to see that someone in a white coat had entered the room – but alas they didn’t appear to be carrying a tray of food.

However that person was carrying something…

“Hello…” said the new visitor softly. “How are we feeling now? My, my – you have certainly come on a way since I first saw you…”

Horner opened his bleary eyes fully and smiled, pleased to see that it was the familiar face of Dr Selbourne Fish. “Well, hello there Doctor,” he croaked. “You’re right, I have rather changed! How do you like the transformation?”

Doctor Fish beamed and unfurled the small fin on the top of his head a number of times in a rather suggestive manner. “Yes, I like it very much…” he replied, as he removed something from the small carry case that he had been holding. “Now just you rest there, sweet lady, and I’ll make sure that you’re made exceptionally comfortable – in fact it’ll be my pleasure – just you rest up – rest up sweet Horner…”

Horner nodded – he could barely keep his eyes open – observing weakly with some distant, dream-like concern as Dr Fish reached into his case and pulled out a camera.

“Just one more photo for my collection…” cooed the besotted medic. “One last photo and then all shall be well – you shall be mine – your soul shall be mine! No say cheese, my darling!! JUST SAY CHEESE!!!”

What will become of Horner now? Just how besotted is Dr Selbourne Fish, and what are his intentions for his beautiful patient? Will Sister Hickliffe report what she saw in the corridors to her superior? What has become of Raymond Snood? And, even more critically, what has become of the missing condiments?

Find out the answer to this and many other questions in the next exciting episode of Dusty Acres – where logic simply makes no sense at all…

Mood music for this episode: "I Close My Eyes & Count To Ten…" ; Dusty Springfield, Single, 1968.

PART SIX: IN WHICH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS BECOME FRIENDS THEMSELVES...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)

Six: In Which Friends Of Friends Become Friends Themselves...
“Well, you are; / Such an easy evil… / You're such a sensuous sin… / Sometimes I don't know where I'm goin'… / 'Til I been taken in…”

From: "Easy Evil…" (A. O’Day); Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.

“Why, this is fascinating!” exclaimed Simon Yeti as Tula finished explaining how she knew Horner and précised her career. It appeared that indeed they did have many friends in common: “I know your Aunt in passing,” Simon grinned, “and as for your former boss, Mr Gladstone McWhiskers, I have been involved in several adventures with him – not to mention my friends Shy Yeti and Mr Charlie Grrr!”

Tula nodded; all these names certainly meant something to her. Not only had her previous career brought her into a circle involving all kinds of peculiar and interesting people, but her Auntie Fatima was also friends with many of Simon’s friends.

“Perhaps we’ve met at a party before now and never realized!” suggested Tula curiously. “Some of these parties are so full of new faces you never get to meet everyone…”

Simon chuckled. “Quite probably! And I did have a dodgy time travel experiment recently which caused me to go invisible – so I’ve not been out as much as I’d like to have been…”

Tula smiled, before her thoughts returned to the situation in hand. She sighed and indicated Ward 7, Room B. “Is SHE in there?” Tula enquired.

For a moment Simon wondered whether Tula meant Katrina or Horner, and then realized that the girl did not know of her ex-boyfriend’s recent transformation. “You mean Katrina?”

Tula nodded. “So she’s in there with him? I’m worried for Horner, that’s all. He left me a message… We haven’t seen each other for ages; we used to go out some time ago, you see. But now it seems that Katrina has been trying to kill him, and he chose me of all people to try and contact, so now I feel a responsibility. We ought not to leave them for too long; she’s evil, that woman – she’s a complete nightmare!!”

Simon was confused. “We should go back in there, I agree… But there are some matters we need to clear up first… Did you mean what you just said about receiving that phone call? Because Katrina told me quite the opposite…”

Tula raised an eyebrow. “Poor Simon… You really shouldn’t listen to a word that woman says. She murdered my uncle,” she added, matter-of-factly. Simon gasped and looked horrified, and so Tula explained further: “My Uncle was a great detective, back in the 50s, 60s and early 70s. Roland Quaverall his name was; Katrina was one of his nemesises – nemesi – whatever the word is. They didn’t get on, basically. Katrina Hortensia swapped his mandarin jelly and fresh cream at a party with jelly fish and fake processed cream and he died being stung to death from the inside…”

“Ewwww!!” exclaimed Simon and shuddered. “It appears I have been badly lied to!” he sighed. “That’s not what I heard from her, at all, she claimed that Horner beat her with a haddock!!!”

“Nonsense! Even in his worst moods, Horner would never hit a woman…”

“Especially not now he IS one!!” exclaimed Simon and then stopped short, realizing his indelicacy.

“HE’S WHAT!?”

“Ah!” sighed Simon. “That’s the other thing I need to discuss before we see Horner! Now, are you sitting comfortably?”

**

In the end it was a flash of lightning that distracted Horner from his near murderous activity. Then suddenly it came again; AGAIN! Horner let his hands slip from Katrina’s neck and looked to the window - but instead of dark clouds, he saw a figure!

* LIGHT BULB FLASH *

It wasn’t lightning – someone was taking photos of them…

“Who was that!?” exclaimed Horner, pulling his dressing gown tighter around him and making sure that the cord was done up tightly. “Somebody was spying on us!!”

Neither of them could see anyone out on the balcony – whoever had been there had apparently escaped by rapidly shimmying down a drainpipe.

“So…” cackled Katrina, rearranging her black cape and checking her witchy finger nails. “Do you intend to go back to strangling me!?”

Horner frowned. “No!” he snapped, pushing back his long blonde hair, wishing he had a cap, or at least a clip, to keep it in place. “As tempting as it does sound, it’s just a waste of energy!”

“In that case I shall have a drink, then…” Katrina replied, for her throat was a little sore from practically being crushed by the divine Miss Horner.

Horner was horrified to see Katrina reach out and gulp down the glass of poisoned water. “But…”

“BUT what?!? I’ll get indigestion!?” teased the witch. “Believe me – I have a very strong constitution…”

Horner had made his own judgment. “So… it wasn’t poisoned after all!”

Katrina smiled cruelly. “No! But as soon as you’d drunk it I’d probably have stabbed you or hit you with something heavy!”

“…Or put another spell on me…”

Katrina nodded. “Quite probably, yes…”

Before they’d had a chance to say any more there came a knock on the door and in walked Simon – although this time he was not alone…

Both Katrina and Horner immediately recognised his companion. “TULA!” scowled the witch. “Come to steal my husband again, have you!?”

“Evening Katrina… Well yes, I thought I would visit him before you try and finish him off once and all…”

“He survived a number of years living with you – that in itself must surely have been a living death…”

“Oh really, Katrina, please! You can’t blame Horner for his unusual tastes. He’s a big fan of your family, after all. Didn’t he leave you to sleep with your sister, Natalie once? You turned her into a toad, didn’t you? And then made her into an omelette… What is it with you and food based deaths!?”

For a moment, Horner lay reveling in every minute of this bitchfest. However, he couldn’t contain his excitement and happiness any longer. “Tula, darling… It’s me,” he gasped ecstatically; “it’s me – HORNER!!”

Tula stopped bitching and gave her former love a massive grin. “I know, dear – and don’t you just look gorgeous too!!”

“You’re not surprised to see me like this!?”

“Only pleasantly!” laughed Tula. “You were always very in touch with your feminine side – it had to happen one day! Simon was telling me out in the corridor all that was going on. Understandably he was pretty confused himself – but together we were able to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together again and now it all makes a little more sense than it did before…”

“You’re friends with this Yeti?” exclaimed Katrina, even more confused by the events of the day.

“We only just met out in the corridor – but it would seem that we have a large number of friends and acquaintances in common…”

“But what on earth are you even DOING here, Tula?” Katrina hissed, angry.

“I called her, Katrina,” Horner interjected. “I didn’t call the Police – but I did call Tula and in my hour of need she surely came…”

There was a long silence, in which Katrina’s brain was trying, increasingly desperately, to think up a new plan. All her evil intentions seemed to keep going awry. Suddenly, she simply sashayed across the room (doing her best impression of Horner’s new model agency stride, the effect of which was quite plainly horrifying), and much to Simon’s horror attached herself to one of his long hairy arms. She beamed generously. “Well…” she began. “Seeing as we’re all being so grown up, and there’s such a spirit of goodwill, I would just like to introduce you all to Simon; because – well… We’ve simply not had the time to say anything about our exciting situation, as yet…”

“Because you’ve been too busy trying to kill me…”

“Well, yes – exactly, dear…” Katrina continued and giggled almost girlishly. “I know it’s a trifle soon – and I know Horner and I aren’t even officially divorced yet – but I am pleased to be able to announce that Simon and I have become engaged. Some people may say it’s been very quick as we only just met this morning – but cycling over here this afternoon on Simon’s Penny Farthing, I think we grew very fond of one another. And so, yes, we’ve decided to get married! We’re hoping for a Halloween wedding, and I think one day I can even imagine us starting a family – though goodness knows what the offspring of a witch and a yeti will end up looking like!” She paused for air, and then quickly added. “Of course we’d like you both to come and join us on our special day – hey, maybe if you and Tula get back together we could arrange a double wedding and do it at the same time, Horner!? No!?”

But there was no reply from the former amphibian man and the room had fallen into a shocked silence as Katrina concluded her invitation…

It was Tula who exploded first. “WHAT?” she exclaimed. “Are you mad!? You think I’m going to marry him… her… Horner… after not seeing him for almost a decade? Just because I turned up to support him out of the blue for old time’s sake?”

Simon was no more pleased – in fact, he probably had even more cause to be furious. “WHAT!!” he boomed, wrenching his furry arm away from Katrina’s grasp and wincing as he lost a few strands of fur in the process. “WHAT!!!?!” he repeated furiously. “What ever are you thinking!? As you say – we only just met and we certainly didn’t grow close on the bike. Sure, I was concerned for you and wanted to help – but now it appears all that concern was based on a web of lies…”

Katrina looked mortified and tried to grab his arm again. “He he he!!” she tittered. “Just Simon’s little joke – we’re going shopping for an engagement ring after we’re done here…”

“NO WE ARE NOT!!!” contradicted the yeti, furiously. “But you’re right – this whole thing is a joke – and not a very funny one!” Simon pointed out angrily. “Can I just confirm to everyone that despite this mad woman’s ramblings – that we are not getting married! I mean, no offense to you, Horner – but none of you are exactly male enough for me! Sorry girls!”

There was silence again in the room as everyone took all these revelations in, and then Horner spoke. “Oh,” he sighed, “what a shame – I actually thought it was rather a fine plan!”

**

Meanwhile, elsewhere – in the dark room – the photos were nearly developed and the mysterious photographer stood back to admire them. He’d managed to get away without being caught. It had been a risk; a terrible risk really – but he simply couldn’t help himself. If he was honest with himself, he had been attracted to Horner in his previous amphibian form – but then when he’d changed – well now he was beautiful in quite a different; far more glamorous way.

The photographer stood back to admire his work; a couple of the photos were of Katrina and Horner arguing – in one Horner had his hands (or her hands) around Katrina’s neck, and in another couple of shots he was turning to the camera just before he – the photographer – had been required to bear a hasty retreat. These last couple were the ones where he’d accidentally used the flash and there was Horner in his new guise – looking straight into the lens – a gorgeous vision of feminine loveliness.

“I love you Horner…” whispered the photographer. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” he added just for effect and came up close to kiss the photographic lips of his subject of adoration – quite overcome, as he did so, with lust and emotion. “I love you…” he whispered. “One day soon, we will be together…”

**

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, in an extra long bed, Raymond Snood was feeling a little better. He recent collapse had made him more desperate to come up with a solution of how to overcome his illness. “There has to be a way to reverse this…,” he reasoned.

He had a plan slowly formulating in his head – a way to reverse the terminal dullness by being anything but dull. It was risky, as the doctor had told him any level of excitement could kill him, but he had no choice.

At first he’d considered building a bomb and swallowing it; that was a definite option – that would be very non-dull. But the reality was that there would be precious little left of him should he be blown to bits – even if he was cured of terminal dullness.

So no, this wasn’t the best plan…

Another idea of his had been to submit himself to some lunatic lab experiment and perhaps to become half man / half cabbage, or half man / half badger; whatever really – just as long as it wasn’t dull!!

But there were down sides to this plan too. For a start being half a man and half a badger or cabbage rendered him unattractive to probably everyone but other cabbages, badgers, or maybe the occasional caterpillar – and even that attention wasn’t guaranteed.

So – there was only other solution. He’d not thought it through terribly well yet – but he couldn’t see a downside to it…

“I’m going to become a super villain!” he decided. Being a super hero didn’t appeal somehow. “Yes – I’m going to become a super villain!!” Raymond declared again, more proudly. “I’m going to do all kinds of dastardly crimes and one day rule the world!” he decided, and now feeling pretty positive about his decision, he grinned to himself. “Soon…” he chuckled. “…I shall be a dull man no more!”

Will Raymond manage to become a super villain? Will the mysterious photographer make moves towards Horner? Will Katrina seek to take further revenge now that she’s been snubbed? And what now for Tula and Simon; might they end up on the end of some devious plan concocted by the witch??

Find out next time in the next high-kicking episode of Dusty Acres – now available in 3-D...

NEXT PART POSTED: FRIDAY 6TH JULY 2007

Mood music for this episode: "Easy Evil…" Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.