DUSTY ACRES
By Paul Chandler
(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)
Six: In Which Friends Of Friends Become Friends Themselves...
“Well, you are; / Such an easy evil… / You're such a sensuous sin… / Sometimes I don't know where I'm goin'… / 'Til I been taken in…”
From: "Easy Evil…" (A. O’Day); Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.
“Why, this is fascinating!” exclaimed Simon Yeti as Tula finished explaining how she knew Horner and précised her career. It appeared that indeed they did have many friends in common: “I know your Aunt in passing,” Simon grinned, “and as for your former boss, Mr Gladstone McWhiskers, I have been involved in several adventures with him – not to mention my friends Shy Yeti and Mr Charlie Grrr!”
Tula nodded; all these names certainly meant something to her. Not only had her previous career brought her into a circle involving all kinds of peculiar and interesting people, but her Auntie Fatima was also friends with many of Simon’s friends.
“Perhaps we’ve met at a party before now and never realized!” suggested Tula curiously. “Some of these parties are so full of new faces you never get to meet everyone…”
Simon chuckled. “Quite probably! And I did have a dodgy time travel experiment recently which caused me to go invisible – so I’ve not been out as much as I’d like to have been…”
Tula smiled, before her thoughts returned to the situation in hand. She sighed and indicated Ward 7, Room B. “Is SHE in there?” Tula enquired.
For a moment Simon wondered whether Tula meant Katrina or Horner, and then realized that the girl did not know of her ex-boyfriend’s recent transformation. “You mean Katrina?”
Tula nodded. “So she’s in there with him? I’m worried for Horner, that’s all. He left me a message… We haven’t seen each other for ages; we used to go out some time ago, you see. But now it seems that Katrina has been trying to kill him, and he chose me of all people to try and contact, so now I feel a responsibility. We ought not to leave them for too long; she’s evil, that woman – she’s a complete nightmare!!”
Simon was confused. “We should go back in there, I agree… But there are some matters we need to clear up first… Did you mean what you just said about receiving that phone call? Because Katrina told me quite the opposite…”
Tula raised an eyebrow. “Poor Simon… You really shouldn’t listen to a word that woman says. She murdered my uncle,” she added, matter-of-factly. Simon gasped and looked horrified, and so Tula explained further: “My Uncle was a great detective, back in the 50s, 60s and early 70s. Roland Quaverall his name was; Katrina was one of his nemesises – nemesi – whatever the word is. They didn’t get on, basically. Katrina Hortensia swapped his mandarin jelly and fresh cream at a party with jelly fish and fake processed cream and he died being stung to death from the inside…”
“Ewwww!!” exclaimed Simon and shuddered. “It appears I have been badly lied to!” he sighed. “That’s not what I heard from her, at all, she claimed that Horner beat her with a haddock!!!”
“Nonsense! Even in his worst moods, Horner would never hit a woman…”
“Especially not now he IS one!!” exclaimed Simon and then stopped short, realizing his indelicacy.
“HE’S WHAT!?”
“Ah!” sighed Simon. “That’s the other thing I need to discuss before we see Horner! Now, are you sitting comfortably?”
**
In the end it was a flash of lightning that distracted Horner from his near murderous activity. Then suddenly it came again; AGAIN! Horner let his hands slip from Katrina’s neck and looked to the window - but instead of dark clouds, he saw a figure!
* LIGHT BULB FLASH *
It wasn’t lightning – someone was taking photos of them…
“Who was that!?” exclaimed Horner, pulling his dressing gown tighter around him and making sure that the cord was done up tightly. “Somebody was spying on us!!”
Neither of them could see anyone out on the balcony – whoever had been there had apparently escaped by rapidly shimmying down a drainpipe.
“So…” cackled Katrina, rearranging her black cape and checking her witchy finger nails. “Do you intend to go back to strangling me!?”
Horner frowned. “No!” he snapped, pushing back his long blonde hair, wishing he had a cap, or at least a clip, to keep it in place. “As tempting as it does sound, it’s just a waste of energy!”
“In that case I shall have a drink, then…” Katrina replied, for her throat was a little sore from practically being crushed by the divine Miss Horner.
Horner was horrified to see Katrina reach out and gulp down the glass of poisoned water. “But…”
“BUT what?!? I’ll get indigestion!?” teased the witch. “Believe me – I have a very strong constitution…”
Horner had made his own judgment. “So… it wasn’t poisoned after all!”
Katrina smiled cruelly. “No! But as soon as you’d drunk it I’d probably have stabbed you or hit you with something heavy!”
“…Or put another spell on me…”
Katrina nodded. “Quite probably, yes…”
Before they’d had a chance to say any more there came a knock on the door and in walked Simon – although this time he was not alone…
Both Katrina and Horner immediately recognised his companion. “TULA!” scowled the witch. “Come to steal my husband again, have you!?”
“Evening Katrina… Well yes, I thought I would visit him before you try and finish him off once and all…”
“He survived a number of years living with you – that in itself must surely have been a living death…”
“Oh really, Katrina, please! You can’t blame Horner for his unusual tastes. He’s a big fan of your family, after all. Didn’t he leave you to sleep with your sister, Natalie once? You turned her into a toad, didn’t you? And then made her into an omelette… What is it with you and food based deaths!?”
For a moment, Horner lay reveling in every minute of this bitchfest. However, he couldn’t contain his excitement and happiness any longer. “Tula, darling… It’s me,” he gasped ecstatically; “it’s me – HORNER!!”
Tula stopped bitching and gave her former love a massive grin. “I know, dear – and don’t you just look gorgeous too!!”
“You’re not surprised to see me like this!?”
“Only pleasantly!” laughed Tula. “You were always very in touch with your feminine side – it had to happen one day! Simon was telling me out in the corridor all that was going on. Understandably he was pretty confused himself – but together we were able to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together again and now it all makes a little more sense than it did before…”
“You’re friends with this Yeti?” exclaimed Katrina, even more confused by the events of the day.
“We only just met out in the corridor – but it would seem that we have a large number of friends and acquaintances in common…”
“But what on earth are you even DOING here, Tula?” Katrina hissed, angry.
“I called her, Katrina,” Horner interjected. “I didn’t call the Police – but I did call Tula and in my hour of need she surely came…”
There was a long silence, in which Katrina’s brain was trying, increasingly desperately, to think up a new plan. All her evil intentions seemed to keep going awry. Suddenly, she simply sashayed across the room (doing her best impression of Horner’s new model agency stride, the effect of which was quite plainly horrifying), and much to Simon’s horror attached herself to one of his long hairy arms. She beamed generously. “Well…” she began. “Seeing as we’re all being so grown up, and there’s such a spirit of goodwill, I would just like to introduce you all to Simon; because – well… We’ve simply not had the time to say anything about our exciting situation, as yet…”
“Because you’ve been too busy trying to kill me…”
“Well, yes – exactly, dear…” Katrina continued and giggled almost girlishly. “I know it’s a trifle soon – and I know Horner and I aren’t even officially divorced yet – but I am pleased to be able to announce that Simon and I have become engaged. Some people may say it’s been very quick as we only just met this morning – but cycling over here this afternoon on Simon’s Penny Farthing, I think we grew very fond of one another. And so, yes, we’ve decided to get married! We’re hoping for a Halloween wedding, and I think one day I can even imagine us starting a family – though goodness knows what the offspring of a witch and a yeti will end up looking like!” She paused for air, and then quickly added. “Of course we’d like you both to come and join us on our special day – hey, maybe if you and Tula get back together we could arrange a double wedding and do it at the same time, Horner!? No!?”
But there was no reply from the former amphibian man and the room had fallen into a shocked silence as Katrina concluded her invitation…
It was Tula who exploded first. “WHAT?” she exclaimed. “Are you mad!? You think I’m going to marry him… her… Horner… after not seeing him for almost a decade? Just because I turned up to support him out of the blue for old time’s sake?”
Simon was no more pleased – in fact, he probably had even more cause to be furious. “WHAT!!” he boomed, wrenching his furry arm away from Katrina’s grasp and wincing as he lost a few strands of fur in the process. “WHAT!!!?!” he repeated furiously. “What ever are you thinking!? As you say – we only just met and we certainly didn’t grow close on the bike. Sure, I was concerned for you and wanted to help – but now it appears all that concern was based on a web of lies…”
Katrina looked mortified and tried to grab his arm again. “He he he!!” she tittered. “Just Simon’s little joke – we’re going shopping for an engagement ring after we’re done here…”
“NO WE ARE NOT!!!” contradicted the yeti, furiously. “But you’re right – this whole thing is a joke – and not a very funny one!” Simon pointed out angrily. “Can I just confirm to everyone that despite this mad woman’s ramblings – that we are not getting married! I mean, no offense to you, Horner – but none of you are exactly male enough for me! Sorry girls!”
There was silence again in the room as everyone took all these revelations in, and then Horner spoke. “Oh,” he sighed, “what a shame – I actually thought it was rather a fine plan!”
**
Meanwhile, elsewhere – in the dark room – the photos were nearly developed and the mysterious photographer stood back to admire them. He’d managed to get away without being caught. It had been a risk; a terrible risk really – but he simply couldn’t help himself. If he was honest with himself, he had been attracted to Horner in his previous amphibian form – but then when he’d changed – well now he was beautiful in quite a different; far more glamorous way.
The photographer stood back to admire his work; a couple of the photos were of Katrina and Horner arguing – in one Horner had his hands (or her hands) around Katrina’s neck, and in another couple of shots he was turning to the camera just before he – the photographer – had been required to bear a hasty retreat. These last couple were the ones where he’d accidentally used the flash and there was Horner in his new guise – looking straight into the lens – a gorgeous vision of feminine loveliness.
“I love you Horner…” whispered the photographer. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” he added just for effect and came up close to kiss the photographic lips of his subject of adoration – quite overcome, as he did so, with lust and emotion. “I love you…” he whispered. “One day soon, we will be together…”
**
Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, in an extra long bed, Raymond Snood was feeling a little better. He recent collapse had made him more desperate to come up with a solution of how to overcome his illness. “There has to be a way to reverse this…,” he reasoned.
He had a plan slowly formulating in his head – a way to reverse the terminal dullness by being anything but dull. It was risky, as the doctor had told him any level of excitement could kill him, but he had no choice.
At first he’d considered building a bomb and swallowing it; that was a definite option – that would be very non-dull. But the reality was that there would be precious little left of him should he be blown to bits – even if he was cured of terminal dullness.
So no, this wasn’t the best plan…
Another idea of his had been to submit himself to some lunatic lab experiment and perhaps to become half man / half cabbage, or half man / half badger; whatever really – just as long as it wasn’t dull!!
But there were down sides to this plan too. For a start being half a man and half a badger or cabbage rendered him unattractive to probably everyone but other cabbages, badgers, or maybe the occasional caterpillar – and even that attention wasn’t guaranteed.
So – there was only other solution. He’d not thought it through terribly well yet – but he couldn’t see a downside to it…
“I’m going to become a super villain!” he decided. Being a super hero didn’t appeal somehow. “Yes – I’m going to become a super villain!!” Raymond declared again, more proudly. “I’m going to do all kinds of dastardly crimes and one day rule the world!” he decided, and now feeling pretty positive about his decision, he grinned to himself. “Soon…” he chuckled. “…I shall be a dull man no more!”
Will Raymond manage to become a super villain? Will the mysterious photographer make moves towards Horner? Will Katrina seek to take further revenge now that she’s been snubbed? And what now for Tula and Simon; might they end up on the end of some devious plan concocted by the witch??
Find out next time in the next high-kicking episode of Dusty Acres – now available in 3-D...
NEXT PART POSTED: FRIDAY 6TH JULY 2007
Mood music for this episode: "Easy Evil…" Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.
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