DUSTY ACRES
By Paul Chandler
(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)
Seven: In Which The Hospital Is Full Of Villains Of All Shapes And Sizes…
“It’s the way you make me feel… / The moment I am close to you… / It’s a feeling so unreal… / Somehow I can’t believe it’s true! / The pounding I feel in my heart - / The hoping that we’ll never part - / I can’t believe this is really happening to me…”
From: "I Close My Eyes & Count To Ten…" (C. Westlake); Dusty Springfield, Single, 1968.
Meanwhile elsewhere, whilst Raymond Snood continued to make his plans for world domination – he wasn’t doing so unobserved. In fact Sister Hickcliffe had been watching him intently through a crack in the door for quite some while. She wasn’t quite sure what he was up to – to be perfectly honest he was simply muttering to himself – but he seemed to be very much enraptured by whatever it was he was planning.
“The poor man – he’s finding it very difficult to accept that his condition is terminal,” she thought to herself. She had been present in the hospital before when patients had been found to be suffering with similar ailments; chronic incompetence, overwhelming indifference, excessive body odour. “There’s really nothing that can be done…”
She was actually a little concerned; Raymond Snood was from a well-off family, and had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks now, checked in as a private patient. His health had taken a considerable turn for the worse and he hadn’t been expected to make it through the night.
…And yet it hadn’t happened…
The theory was that this was because he had been getting out and about around the hospital, and although he was still pretty dull himself, some of the experiences that he was coming across were less than dull. Perhaps these experiences had been rubbing off a little interesting vibe on the poor man.
“Maybe he’s even beginning to rally against this dreadful condition of his,” she mused hopefully as she returned to her office to make herself a coffee and continue with her business.
…And yet she found that she simply couldn’t keep away…
However, when Sister Hickliffe returned to check on Raymond some 20 minutes later, intending to see if there was anything she could do to help, she was surprised to find that Raymond was gone…
“He really shouldn’t be out on his own…” she muttered to herself, for she knew of his recent relapse and didn’t like to think of him having another set back.
If she was honest with herself – honest about her feelings, she was developing a little crush on Mr Snood, and it wasn’t just the incentive of his potential wealth, either!
“Virginia,” she told herself, “you know you’re not meant to get involved with patients. It simply doesn’t pay to get emotionally involved – especially not when they’re terminally dull and fading fast!”
There was no doubt that something needed to be done with Raymond – someone needed to go and find him, and she needed to check who was in charge of his condition, as this wasn’t even her area of the hospital to be overseeing.
The corridors of this part of the building seemed eerily deserted and she wasn’t sure where the duty doctor’s office was. Had Virginia had her plan of the hospital with her then she could probably have found out the answer pretty quickly – but instead she opened the first door she came to and strode into the room on the other side of the door, hoping to find someone in charge.
However, once in the room she found that the lights were off, which was rather disconcerting to say the least. The door slammed shut behind her, and she had to feel around in the dark to find the light switch, which took her longer than she expected and she only just about managed not to knock anything over.
The light came on and at first she noticed nothing unusual with the room. It was just the standard doctor’s office; desk, chairs, filing cabinet… There was no-one there, and nothing to even hint at whose office she was in. However, she walked straight on through into the back office out of sheer nosiness, rather than because she thought anyone might be in there.
Virginia stopped short in the doorway – before her in the room ahead wasn’t the usual coats, supplies and personal items of a typical senior medic – what she saw there was something that looked more like the dark room of a photographer. Sister suddenly felt unusually nervous – as if she shouldn’t have been there, which in fact she probably shouldn’t have been…
Up on the wall there were what appeared to be hundreds of photos, freshly taken and developed. They appeared to be of the same patient and she recognised him as Drew Horner; the amphibian man who had come in only just the other day. The photos were taken of him in his room – before his changes and then after, when he had become the beautiful female Horner.
“This is creepy…” Virginia gasped under her breath. “Who on earth would DO this!?!”
**
Meanwhile, back on Floor 2, Ward 7 – Room B, Tula had put up with quite enough of listening to Horner and Katrina squabble, and had decided that she needed a break. Although she’d been tempted to leave altogether, instead she had gone down to the canteen – making sure that she took the fast lift down this time.
She was just about to reach the entrance to the food hall when she heard a voice calling her. “Tula! Tula!” It was Simon Yeti. “Can I join you? I think I need a break too!”
Tula sighed, glad that it wasn’t Horner. “Please do,” she encouraged, “I could do with a furry shoulder to cry on…”
Simon chuckled. “My shoulders are all yours – but after what we just went through back there I think I might need a petite lady shoulder for my own spot of blubbing…”
Tula gave his arm a reassuring hug. “Feel free – we’ll be each other’s support system – it’ll work out just perfect!”
They began to queue for refreshment – there were no plates, but Simon found them some clean napkins to place their sticky buns on. After a moment or so of awkward silence, Simon spoke up again. “I hope you weren’t insulted by what I said up there earlier, I wasn’t exactly tactful – I just saw red when Katrina claimed that we were engaged. What I meant to say is; well, I didn’t mean to put it quite the way I did! You’re a beautiful woman, Tula and I’m sure you know that – it’s just that…” he sighed, not wishing to dig himself any deeper.
Tula was laughing though, hugging his arm again affectionately. “Not at all, dear yeti! Really, I’m flattered that you just said what you did – but really – there’s no need to apologise! You’re a gorgeous yeti – but it’s never going to happen… you’re not a ladies yeti – that’s all!!”
Simon beamed. “Hey! We might even be into the same kind of men – odd ones, I mean – did you really go out with the swampy princess, back there?” he teased.
Tula blushed. “Well yes… But I have to say that he was pretty much going through a two year period of being all humanoid when I dated him…” she explained.
By this point they’d reached the serving hatch and Tula was amused to discover that the dinner ladies came in the form of the previously reception based Mavis and Edie.
“Hello dear!!” exclaimed Mavis. “How’s it going!? Did you see, Mr Horner?” she enquired, as Edie stood at her side and stared at Simon suspiciously; a serving spoon hanging uselessly in her grasp.
“We did, thank you… I did get stuck in the slow lift, though – which was a little unpleasant…”
“Oh dear, dear!” Mavis sighed apologetically. “I’m sorry – we should have warned you about that…”
“Never mind…” Tula assured her. “I met a man who was terminally dull which kind of killed the time. Actually, it nearly killed me, he was so dull – but it did also thankfully kill the time…” she added, with a smile.
Mavis nodded. “There are a lot of men like that around here, but I presume that you mean Mr Snood?” Mavis was about to say something more, but Edie was jabbing her in the side with a whisk. “Edie, what is it?” she snapped. “Will you stop that, I’m not an Angel Delight!!”
Edie shot her friend a rather disapproving frown and then drew her aside. “Miss Tula is with the yeti gentleman…” she pointed out and Tula thought it sounded like one of those secret passwords that people used to mutter to one another to obtain free sausage rolls and the like, during wartime. “The yeti…” continued Edie delicately. “…came here with the WITCH!!”
Mavis nodded, but seeing as Edie’s whispers had been perfectly audible to both Tula and Simon, Tula felt she ought to clear up the matter as soon as possible. “Yes… Yes – but it’s no cause for alarm; Simon knows mutual friends of ours! He knows Auntie for a start… He only gave Katrina a lift here – he thinks she’s as mad as we do!!”
“Oh…” Edie almost looked disappointed. Simon decided that it was time he stood up for himself. “Yes! Yes! Quite…” he confirmed. “She’s crazy! Quite crazy! The witch, I mean – not Tula, here…” he started looking nervous that he may have been misconstrued and Tula could see that beneath his fur Simon’s brow looked quite sweaty with worry. “Look!” he said suddenly. “I’m not sure it’s at all wise to leave Horner on his own up there – can I give you the money and you get me a platter and 17 large doughnuts, perhaps!?”
Tula nodded. “Sure! Sure!” she was glad he’d suggested it. “Pay me later – or take it as a sweet sticky gift of friendship!”
Simon nodded. “If they’re too annoying I may be back before you even leave here…” he added and then hurried away in a flurry of anxious fur.
Turning back to Mavis to confirm her order, Tula noticed a curious look on the old lady’s face. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“There’s something very odd going on in this canteen…” Mavis announced suspiciously. “Someone is playing tricks… Things are going missing!”
“Oh goodness…” sighed Tula sympathetically. “Maybe it’s imps…” she suggested and then felt bad for making such a frivolous claim. “What exactly are they stealing?” she enquired.
“Well, it’s only happened a couple of times so far,” Mavis explained, “but I have no idea who is doing it. Whoever the thief is, all they seem interested in are the packets of pepper and salt and the small sachets of tomato ketchup!”
**
Meanwhile, back on Floor 2, Simon was heading towards Ward 7, Room B when around the corner and looking mighty guilty came hurrying the witch, Hortensia.
“Oh Simon! What a relief to see you!” she cackled, having apparently forgotten how he had rebuffed her only a little while before. “No hard feelings about what was said, I hope…” she continued, looking awkward and as if she wanted to be out of the area as quickly as possible; but Simon wasn’t happy to leave things in this way.
“What you did back there was appalling!!” he growled. “How dare you embarrass me like that – you barely know me and there you are telling your husband I’m your new fiancé…”
“Ex-husband – well, soon to be ex….”
But Simon wasn’t going to let her get away with this, either metaphorically or literally and he blocked her way into the lift. “So, what’s going on? What have you done to that poor amphibian now!?” he challenged – not convinced by Katrina’s act of supposed innocence.
“He’s fine, furrychops – don’t get in a fluster…” she protested, trying to calm him, although it seemed to do no good.
“I don’t believe you,” snapped the yeti, reaching out to grab her arm, “we’re going back to check he’s okay…”
“Hey, get your hands off me, you great oaf!” Katrina screamed suddenly, struggling to get away.
Watching this scene from the other side of the hallway was the already confused figure of Sister Hickliffe who was already bemused by all the strange photographs that she had found in the unmanned office earlier. She’d been too unnerved to stick around and find out whose office it was, and there had been no name on the door. In fact, it didn’t seem to be an office that was officially regularly used by anyone, right at the moment.
Virginia had been about to speak with the patient from the photos to see whether he knew that he’d been photographed – hopefully without causing too much alarm – but now she’d walked straight into the middle of an argument between a witch and a giant yeti.
“This place gets odder and odder…” she sighed wearily – in fact it was beginning to quite unnerve her…
Meanwhile, back in Room B on Ward 7, despite all suggestions to the contrary, Horner was alive and well, albeit still flagging due to his recent transformation. Skin-Time was a very trying period of any amphibian man’s life and not only was Horner in need of some quality slumber before he could consider going home, but he also needed to be fed; something that hadn’t happened in some while.
The most recent argument with Katrina had quite exhausted him, even though he didn’t like to admit it…
Hearing the door open when he was just dozing off gave him a little hope that perhaps he was about to get some dinner. Opening his eyes up just to a squint he was pleased to see that someone in a white coat had entered the room – but alas they didn’t appear to be carrying a tray of food.
However that person was carrying something…
“Hello…” said the new visitor softly. “How are we feeling now? My, my – you have certainly come on a way since I first saw you…”
Horner opened his bleary eyes fully and smiled, pleased to see that it was the familiar face of Dr Selbourne Fish. “Well, hello there Doctor,” he croaked. “You’re right, I have rather changed! How do you like the transformation?”
Doctor Fish beamed and unfurled the small fin on the top of his head a number of times in a rather suggestive manner. “Yes, I like it very much…” he replied, as he removed something from the small carry case that he had been holding. “Now just you rest there, sweet lady, and I’ll make sure that you’re made exceptionally comfortable – in fact it’ll be my pleasure – just you rest up – rest up sweet Horner…”
Horner nodded – he could barely keep his eyes open – observing weakly with some distant, dream-like concern as Dr Fish reached into his case and pulled out a camera.
“Just one more photo for my collection…” cooed the besotted medic. “One last photo and then all shall be well – you shall be mine – your soul shall be mine! No say cheese, my darling!! JUST SAY CHEESE!!!”
What will become of Horner now? Just how besotted is Dr Selbourne Fish, and what are his intentions for his beautiful patient? Will Sister Hickliffe report what she saw in the corridors to her superior? What has become of Raymond Snood? And, even more critically, what has become of the missing condiments?
Find out the answer to this and many other questions in the next exciting episode of Dusty Acres – where logic simply makes no sense at all…
Mood music for this episode: "I Close My Eyes & Count To Ten…" ; Dusty Springfield, Single, 1968.
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