DUSTY ACRES
By Paul Chandler
(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)
Eight: In Which Horner Finds Himself An Object Of Desire…
“Stay awhile, let me hold you… / Stay awhile, ‘til I’ve told you, oh, oh… / Of the love that I feel tonight, oh yeah…”
From: "Stay Awhile" (Ivor Raymonde / Mike Hawker); Dusty Springfield, Single, 1964.
Simon Yeti was continuing to make his way to Horner’s room, having been intercepted by Katrina and dragged into an argument. He was undeniably furious – not with Horner, certainly not with dear Tula Swiss, and not even solely with Katrina. In actual fact he was most furious with himself…
Furious for allowing himself to be dragged into this whole business in the first place…
“A new house – a new life – a new set of friends; I really didn’t need to get involved with all this…”
But Simon was a pretty positive sort of yeti, and liked to try and focus on the good things emerging from a bad situation.
“Well, at least I’ve met Miss Tula properly…” he reasoned cheerfully. In fact, he was so deep in thought that he wasn’t looking where he was going, and walked straight into a pillar.
Except it wasn’t a pillar…
It was a person; a doctor: Doctor Selbourne Fish…
“I’m sorry,” he said, apologetically, “I was in rather a rush… I’m concerned about Mr Horner in Ward 7. His ex-wife has been giving him a lot of hassle – I’m concerned that something bad might have happened…”
Dr Fish sighed and nodded agreement. “I quite understand, Sir,” he replied. “The lady in question has been asked to leave…”
Simon cast a look around. “I know – I saw her – she was out here and we argued, but she’d gone now…”
“Well, the fact is this simply won’t be allowed to happen again…” Dr Fish assured the yeti. “She had already been put on an exclusion list – but now I’m going to arrange for Mr Horner’s room to be kept on a 24 hour watch until he is well enough to leave here. Which we hope won’t be very much longer now…”
“Would it be okay for me to just see him quickly!?” Simon requested, but the doctor shook his head.
“I’m sorry – sorry, no… Not just now – he needs his sleep. Now listen, I really must make a move and go and speak to security, if you don’t mind?” he snapped, tersely.
Simon was quite taken aback by this sudden change of tone, but didn’t want to get in the doctor’s way. For a second he was almost tempted to see if he couldn’t perhaps go and speak with Horner, despite Dr Fish’s orders – but then decided that he should probably return to the canteen and find Tula.
Deciding that it would be quicker to slide down the stair banisters rather than take the lift, Simon was soon back with Miss Swiss, who was dutifully doing her best to help Mavis and Edie locate the missing condiments.
“Oh!” exclaimed Tula as he loomed into view looking a little hotter and sweatier than he had before. “SIMON! YOU’RE BACK! That was quick… How was Horner!?”
Simon sighed and did his best to explain; telling of how he’d argued with Katrina and spoken with Dr Fish without actually ever getting to see Horner.
“Well, that all sounds very intense…” Tula agreed, for she was still concerned about Horner’s well-being, however was trying to keep it at the back of her mind as much as possible. “I have to say, however Simon, that these two ladies have brought to my attention the fact that somebody has been perpetrating a most heinous crime in this very canteen…”
Simon’s eyes widened and he gave Edie and Mavis a very understanding look. “Don’t tell me... you’ve discovered a moth infestation in your serviettes!?” he suggested.
“Not this week, dear…” conceded Edie. “But it has happened before now!”
Simon raised an eyebrow knowingly. “I once had moths living in my favourite hat!” he explained. “They even tried to have a go at me – I had to shave my dreadlocks off in the end as they were getting tatty – and it was all the fault of those moths!” he growled furiously. “So if it’s not moths, then what’s up!?”
Mavis was the one to tell him. “It’s the tiny sachets of tomato ketchup and mayonnaise – not to mention the little salt and pepper packets. They were here earlier, but now they’ve all gone and we’ve hardly had a customer in all day as a result…”
Simon tried to think of something useful to say. “Do you have any more to put out!?” he suggested hopefully. “Maybe we could catch the culprit if we could rig up some trap or other!?”
“Ah…” replied Tula sadly, but allowed Edie to explain.
“We thought of that…” she said and then looked over at Mavis, who nodded in her direction, indicating that she should finish. “But someone had stolen all the spares too… All six boxes full, can you believe it!?”
Simon couldn’t.
“Oh my!” exclaimed the yeti, disgusted to hear this. “Well, what a pretty pickle this whole business is…” he concluded.
…And truly Simon had it right on that point…
However, not so far away, someone was taking great delight in the crimes that he had recently been masterminding.
… And that person was Raymond Snood…
Sitting in a store cupboard, peering through a keyhole watching events unfold with his new collection of condiments, Raymond was feeling a whole lot happier now than he had done in a very long time.
“I’m going to get well…” he whispered to himself. “Who’s dull now, hey!? Not me… Not me!” he chuckled, and then added, “I’m not dull – and I am going to live forever…”
**
Meanwhile, back on the second floor Katrina Hortensia stuck her head out of the slow lift and looked around. Having argued with Simon she had stormed off into the lift some 20 minutes ago only to find that the mice that ran it were off somewhere on a break. Now, with Simon out the way she had experienced a sudden change of heart about her ex-husband.
“He said he still had feelings for me – even after all I put him through…” she reasoned. “He may be a beautiful woman right at the moment – but that’s not going to last… and after all, what did he ever do to me to deserve such poor treatment? NOTHING!!” she concluded.
She had simply become bored of him; she had made him suffer for the simple sin of being consistently good to her (even if not consistent in his appearance). Niceness was something that witches never really took that well to. Looking back she realised that they probably should have married within their own kind, but back in the late 1700s when they had first met she had felt very differently. Most wizards had been extremely conservative and were only into music which involved the excessive use of mandolins, as rock music (yet alone Goths!) hadn’t actually been invented by that stage.
By marrying an amphibian man she successfully managed to be disowned by the majority of her freakish family…
Perfect!!! At least she had certainly thought so at the time.
She’d never considered how it would affect the number of Christmas presents she got. For even as a witch with a bad temper, Katrina still liked receiving presents – even if it was the skull of an enemy or some badly rotting fruit.
Katrina was just about to open the door to Horner’s room when a hand came down firmly on her shoulder, almost giving her a coronary. She was quite expecting the apprehender to lecture her about not disturbing the patient – especially as not so long ago it had been her who had been trying to kill him. But when she turned she found herself facing Sister Hickliffe, whose expression seemed to be one of sympathetic concern.
“Are you okay?” she enquired. “I mean, I saw that dreadful yeti arguing with you by the lifts – I was frightened he was going to hurt you…” she explained.
Katrina blinked, a little taken aback still. “Err, yeah…” she croaked, unused to anyone showing her any concern. “Yes… yes… I’m fine…” she added, trying to manage a smile.
“I feel so guilty!!” Virginia added. “I really should have intervened and I promise you that I would have, had you not concluded your conversation! Thank goodness you’re ok!”
“Yes! Thank goodness!” agreed Katrina, still surprised at how furious her debate with Simon had appeared. At the time she had thought nothing of it. She’d treated him thoughtlessly and had probably deserved the dressing down; but of course the Sister didn’t know that. Had Simon not helped her to the hospital, she would have probably turned him into a toadstool or a traffic warden or something for talking to her like that – but he’d helped her. She had been grateful and so she hadn’t!!
Still, it couldn’t possibly hurt to make the Sister think that she was a little upset…
“Yes I’m okay…” Katrina said and gave a little sob. “It fair shook me up at first – I don’t know what got into the gentleman…” she sighed. “I’m afraid he’s a little jealous – he’s been trying to get my attention for some time, but I’ve told him, I’m not a free woman… He just hasn’t been able to take no for answer… It’s quite upsetting. Affairs of the heart – eh, Sister – they’re not worth getting involved in!”
Sister Hickliffe nodded understandingly, for she knew how her own feelings were developing for Raymond Snood. “Some people are special – some spend their life chasing others and some are eternally chased. Sadly I seem to be fated to chase those who may not care for me; but you – you seem to have admirers – you must be a very special lady…”
Katrina smiled and nodded. “I think you’re right – I am…” she agreed.
From Virginia’s expression Katrina determined that perhaps the Sister hadn’t expected such an honest and downright arrogant response. “Ah well… I’m just thankful you’re okay – I just wanted to make sure – I’d better get on now!”
“Yes dear, you do that…” agreed Katrina and did her best to manage a smile. “Thank you for being concerned!!”
“No problem…” Katrina kept a smile fixed on her face as she watched the Sister hurry away, leaving the witch standing outside Horner’s door unchecked, as before.
Taking her chance, Katrina quickly opened the door and stepped into Horner’s room. “I’m terribly sorry if I woke you, Horner my beloved…” she began.
But Horner was gone. The bed was empty. There was no sign of her beautiful ex-husband anywhere…
So where was he?!
**
Meanwhile, not so very far away, Horner opened his eyes slowly. He wasn’t sure quite where he was at first – except that he appeared to be in some kind of shrine to himself, both before and after his recent transformation. The walls were covered with photos taken in the ward over the last couple of days. It took him just a few seconds to recall that he’d seen a strange figure on the balcony just before his final skin change and the photos spanned the time before that change, right up to the photos that had been taken only a few minutes before – photos that were still wet and hanging up from having only just been developed.
But at least one question had been answered. He knew who had been taking the photos.
“Dr Fish…” he whispered, for there before Horner stood the doctor himself, wearing what appeared to be a long, almost transparent doctor’s smock.
“Hello Drew…” purred Selbourne Fish (if, indeed, it’s possible for a fish to purr… perhaps he was a kind of cat fish…). “I hope I didn’t scare you…” he continued. “You’re very beautiful now your skin has been fully shed – I wanted to take a photo – I think it’s fair to say I may be obsessed with you – I do hope you don’t mind…”
Horner sighed and shivered a little. “I’m cold…” he said. “Will you come join me here on this couch? Will you warm me up a little, Dr Fish?”
“Please – call me Selbourne…” he smiled, over-joyed that he hadn’t been rejected. “Call me Romulus if you like, but Selbourne’s my actual name – but I’m sure if doesn’t really matter too much!” As he spoke he laid down the camera that he’d been holding. “Are you sure you don’t mind me joining you?” he enquired, slightly bashfully. “I was concerned that your wife might still be trying to kill you…” he explained, coming close and allowing the smock to fall to the floor until he was full exposed.
“My ex-wife!” smiled Horner, shaking his beautiful long hair and beckoning the doctor closer, taking him by the hand and pulling him down towards his new and voluptuous curves. “I’ve not used this body yet!” he whispered in Selbourne’s ear. “Why don’t we try it out together? I want to show you how grateful I am for you saving me!” he added. “Would you like that?”
Selbourne Fish groaned delightedly as Horner’s cold hands touched his naked scales and so the former amphibian took this to be a yes…
**
Back in the Ward, Sister Virginia Hickliffe was glad to see that wherever Raymond had been, he was at least now back in his bed. She wondered for a moment about whether she should go to speak to him, but then decided that it was best to let him sleep.
“Rest well, sweet Raymond…” she murmured under her breath, picking up a discarded, yet unopened, tomato ketchup sachet lying a tad forlornly by the entrance to Mr Snood’s room.
Inside the room Raymond opened his eyes as soon as Sister Virginia was gone. His bed was full of condiments, small plastic knives and forks and packets of pepper and salt. To begin with he had been quite content – but already he could feel that this would not be enough. The itchy rash – the early stages of his condition which had subsided earlier in the day whilst he’d been adventuring – was already back. Either he could try stealing something new or he’d have to try something even more loony – something less boring…
“I know what I must do…” he whispered. “Stealing condiments just isn’t enough – the only way to help me live is to kill another – commit a murder; a life for a life…”
Generally Raymond Snood was a rather squeamish sort of man, but this time he knew he had no choice – and for that matter he knew who he must kill.
Sister Virginia Hickliffe…
Will Raymond really sacrifice the lovely Sister Virginia who holds such a deep crush for him or will he find another victim to aid his recovery? Will Horner go all the way with his stalker, Dr Fish, or might Katrina intervene? And can Tula and Simon help Mavis and Edie solve the riddle of the missing condiments…
Find out the answer to this and much much more in the next caber-tossing, skunk juggling installment of Dusty Acres…
Mood music for this episode: "Stay Awhile" ; Dusty Springfield, Single, 1964.
THE NEXT EPISODE OF DUSTY ACRES WILL BE PUBLISHED ON FRIDAY 20TH JULY 2007
No comments:
Post a Comment