Part Eleven: In Which Justice Rears It's Ugly Head...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Tom Crittenden is away this week so there are bound to be spelling mistakes - but he'll proof-reading the version that goes into the book!)

Eleven: In Which Justice Rears It’s Ugly Head…

“What are your motives? / I got to know… / I'm doing research… / I got to know!! / What are your motives? / I got to know…/ Tell me your motives, oh, oh…”

From: "I Am Curious…" (Carole Pope / Kevan Staples); Dusty Springfield, White Heat, 1982.

Horner sighed. He was dressed and looking fantastic; having found a cupboard full of dead patients clothes that Dr Fish had been secretly hoarding. He’d done his hair; asked for his belongings to be sent to reception and was now heading down in the lift to announce his departure.

Selbourne had offered to accompany him, but Horner had remained resolute. “No, that’s fine! This is about me – I’ll just tell them that I’m leaving and sign any paperwork that I need to…”

“But I’ll see you later!?” Selbourne had asked worriedly, concerned for a second and wondering if he was losing his new love; wondering if he should lock Horner away again.

“Of course you’ll see me later – and I’ll see you!” Horner had insisted with an affectionate chuckle, slipping his address onto a piece of paper and handing it over. “I’ll see you back there this evening – if you’re free – for dinner and, well – more of the same, perhaps? Yeah!?”

Selbourne has been quite excited by this; but was also a little grudging in case he was being conned – but in the end he had let her go after an extra long kiss.

As the lift door opened; the reception stood before Horner – it was still very early; 5 am – and yet there were still people milling about and the old ladies; Edie and Mavis were busily filing through sheaves of papers on the reception desk.

“Hello…” declared Horner. “I’m checking out…” he said, thinking that it sounded rather as if he was concluding a stay at a hotel. “Is there anything I need to sign?”

Edie looked up in surprise. “Oh…” she cried. “Mavis – is this the lady we have the message for?”

Mavis looked up from the papers she was filing and slipped her glasses down to rest firmly on the bridge of her nose. “Ah yes…” she nodded, standing up and coming across to the front of reception. “Mr Horner, is it? I have a message for you?!”

Horner frowned. “If it’s from Katrina then I really don’t want to know!!”

Mavis was about to clarify the situation when two figures appeared behind Horner. “It’s not Katrina, Miss – err – sir – madame – anyway, it’s not Katrina who wants to see you – it’s us…” said the first of the men. They were both dressed in a ill-fitting rain coats and the man who spoke was thin and runner bean shaped, with piercing grey eyes and very thick lensed glasses.

The second man was very large and wore an eye patch over the right eye. It was now his turn to speak. “We are Catch and Merkin…” he explained calmly.

“Oh really…” replied Horner, nodding. “…and what are you? Travelling salesmen? A firm of investment bankers?”

“Police…” replied the first man. “Let me introduce myself – I am Inspector Crawville Catch and this is my colleague Inspector Lana Merkin…”

“Lana!!” exclaimed Horner. “Isn’t that a girl’s name?”

Merkin looked a little put out. “With all respect MISTER Horner – don’t YOU have a girl’s body!?”

Horner raised an eyebrow. “Ah yes… Fair play to you… A good point, well made!!”

“Anyway – it’s Slovakian… Lots of Slovakian boys are called Lana!!”

“Okay…” Horner was rapidly losing interest. “So, what is all this about?!”

Inspector Catch and Inspector Merkin suddenly looked vague, but then suddenly looked very wide awake as it occurred to them why they were where they were.

“Drew Horner…” began Inspector Catch, turning to his friend and colleague to encourage him to continue.

“Drew Horner we are arresting you in suspicion of the murder of your wife – Katrina Hortensia…”

Horner gaped as he suddenly took this information in; completely shocked to hear this news. Merkin had turned back to Catch to encourage him to continue, but Inspector Catch was looking a little vague. “Erm…” he said. “Should you choose to say anything in your – erm – defence…” he paused and then cursed under his breath. “Damn – I can never remember this bit; is it something to do with texting your mother to bring you a spare vest or something…”

“No – no…” interrupted Merkin. “God! I’d have thought you knew this one by now, Crawville…”

But Horner was shaking hysterically, by this point, and the two Inspectors paused. “KATRINA!!” exclaimed the former amphibian. “KATRINA IS DEAD!? MY KATRINA!?!”

“Errr… Yeah…” nodded Catch, worried that perhaps the voluptuous Horner might be about to hit him. “Katrina – your ex-wife, IS dead – but then you already knew that as you killed her…” he concluded, still sounding a little nervous.

“Oh…” replied Horner – suddenly ceasing his sobbing and shaking. “…and you think it was ME who killed her!?”

Merkin nodded. “We don’t think it; we KNOW it…”

“PROVE IT!!” chuckled Horner. “…AND WHILST YOU’RE AT IT – YOU’LL HAVE TO CATCH ME TOO!!”

Before the Officers could say something in reply Horner had pulled up his skirts; hurdled the reception desk and was off and out through the hospital main door – off and into the night…

“He’s in a hurry…” sighed Catch crossly.

“Couldn’t even wait around to be hand-cuffed!” agreed Merkin, looking badly inconvenienced.

Edie and Mavis who had been watching all this in silence suddenly piped up. “Well, aren’t you going to follow him!?”

Catch and Merkin both looked at one another as if communicating psychically and then sighed again in unison. “Nah…” replied Catch. “I’m knackered and Merkin’s got a bad leg after an accident in a Conkers championship the other day!?”

Merkin nodded. “I tripped on the string of my conker and went through a double glazed window down 3 floors only to have my fall saved by a giant trifle that happened to be standing outside the building.

“The caterers were waiting for the custard to set… It was quite a cold day… Ruined the trifle, but it saved Merkin!” Catch beamed with some relief.

“I’m always falling over things or slipping into things…” Merkin explained. “The other day I tripped in a pool of tartare sauce…” he added as if this explained everything, including why they should just leave their prime suspect to get away. “I sometimes use tartare sauce if I run out of sun tan lotion – but I always used too much and battered cod occasionally leap at me angrily as I walk by…”

“He was bitten by an unruly chip once…” added Catch crossly – as if expecting some belated sympathy for his friend.

“So, what ARE you going to do!?” enquired Mavis tartly, managing to ignore all their inane chatter.

“Yes!? What ARE you going to do!?” parroted Edie.

“WHY, FIND A NEW SUSPECT, OF COURSE!!” exclaimed Merkin, as if it was the most normal thing to do in all the world…”

“…And to start with…” continued Catch. “…we’re going to arrest both of YOU!!”

**

Meanwhile, not so very far away, Raymond Snood was busily attempting to dispose of his bloody dressing gown, by tearing it into slips and trying to flush it down the loo.

The only problem was that Sister Virginia would keep insisting on poking her head around the door every 5 minutes and was obviously becoming a tad concerned about the total amount of time he had so far been spending in the toilet.

“Raymond – are you okay in there!?” came Sister’s irritating little voice, making him wrinkle his face up in anger. “Raymond!!”

“I’m fine… I was just freshening up…” he called back, keen for her to be gone, before he decided to drag her into the bathroom and add her to his new list of murder victims by flushing her head down the toilet.

She’d escaped once – but she wouldn’t be so lucky a second time…

“I’m sorry…” came Virginia’s needy tone. “I didn’t mean to be a complete pain – I just didn’t want you not being able to find someone to help if – errr – if you did need help…”

Raymond raised an eyebrow and stood up from the toilet bowl – that had to be one of the lousiest excuses for anything he’d heard in quite some time.

“Thank you – thanks Sister…” he called, trying to remain composed, although his arm was beginning to throb again. “I’ll be out soon – don’t worry about me…”

“Alright then – call if you need me…”

Raymond waited another minute or two as he heard the room door bang behind her, before turning back to the toilet bowl. Most of the dressing gown had flushed away by now – so for a moment he turned away again to deal with the other problem, quite literally, AT HAND…

At this moment his hand and arm were causing him even more concern than Sister Virginia…

Katrina’s curse – or whatever it was – was spreading and he knew he had to find a way of stopping the development before it was too late… The curse that had turned his hand to stone was now spreading and had managed to develop as far as his elbow!!

“If I break the arm off at a point above where it has become stone then maybe it won’t spread any further!” he reasoned.

He’d already tried thumping it against the sink in the hope that it would shatter. But it hadn’t – the noise of his painful cries had only managed to draw Virginia’s concern – which was the last thing that he wanted to happen again, so soon.

His arm hadn’t snapped off, but the bit of it that was still flesh and blood was now throbbing and badly bruised.

He knew that there was nothing for it; he’d have to find a knife; a hack saw – maybe even a chain saw. At the moment all he had was a nail file, which simply wouldn’t do – however there also weren’t that many saws or knives lying around easily accessible in the hospital – except for those used by the surgeons which were all locked up. It was possible that he might be able to get hold of one, but it wasn’t guaranteed.

“There has to be some other way!” he reasoned, but knew that he couldn’t wait until he was discharged to address the issue with his arm; the effects of the curse were spreading far too quickly.

There was a fat man that he’d seen on the 4th floor when he’d been exploring in the lift. Maybe he could arrange for the fat man to fall on his arm from a great height. He wasn’t sure that it would be ever so easy to arrange and would need an accomplice to throw the man off the roof at him. All the same – it seemed a more light-hearted; less scary way to do the job than using a blade.

However it changed nothing – one way or another the arm had to come off…

**

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital Dr Fish was still walking around in a dream after the effect of the perfect hours that he’d just spent with Drew Horner. It was strange for him to feel almost normal and not some sort of freak. It was actually quite nice. He wouldn’t have it any other way. But it really wasn’t a situation that he had expected to find himself in. He was used to these insane infatuations – to being obsessed and stalking persons who didn’t even know he existed. He was used to tip-toeing around taking illicit photos and peering over walls and sighing over people who had no interest in him – but now he was in a situation where the person he had been stalking had turned around and showed him some interest, all of a sudden.

“Horner… Horner… Horner…” he muttered to himself adoringly – walking in a dream toward reception.

“Mr Horner will be apprehended!” he heard a gruff voice declaring and then another, slightly squeakier voice interrupted him.

“You mean MISS Horner…”

Suddenly Dr Fish took in the scene ahead of him – he’d just been wondering how Horner had gotten on checking out of the hospital – but now it appeared that something bad had happened; for there were police in reception and for some reason they were interested in the whereabouts of Horner himself.

“Excuse me!!” he declared, striding up to the two detectives who appeared to be in charge. “Can I help you!?”

The first of the two detectives, Inspector Catch (or so it said on his badge), simply frowned and his colleague Inspector Merkin cleared his throat and asked a question. “Are you the doctor who treated Miss Horner!?”

“As it happens – no I’m not…” he continued. “Indirectly, maybe – but I am actually, more importantly, Drew Horner lover… What exactly is the problem here!?”

The two detectives looked confused for a moment and then Inspector Catch spoke this time. “Drew Horner is the chief suspect in a murder – the murder of his former wife – Katrina Hortensia…”

“How is this possible!?” exclaimed Dr Fish, noticing that as he spoke a small crowd of staff and visitors were crowding around reception; Edie and Maud, the yeti – Simon who had been with Tula earlier. He wasn’t sure where Tula herself was, but he recalled learning that she was Horner ex-girlfriend. There was also Sister Hickliffe and they were all listening with extra special interest. “Where is Drew Horner now!?” he demanded furiously.

“He escaped whilst we were questioning him…” replied Inspector Merkin, sounding a trifle embarrassed by this. “These are the actions of a guilty man…”

“Or a scared one…” interrupted Mavis and Edie nodded in agreement. “You weren’t exactly being very subtle about your questioning – you even threatened to arrest us for no apparent reason…”

“Err – no… No I don’t think I did…” replied Merkin again, denying that he had ever tried to do that, when in fact they actually had, before Mavis and Edie had threatened to pummel them violently with out of date rock cakes and they had relented.

Dr Fish sighed – he wasn’t sure what was going on, but he did know something. “I presume that this murder happened in the last two or three hours…”

“It must have done…” Sister Hickliffe called out. “I remember her seeing her alive around tea time…”

“Well, I can tell you that Drew Horner had nothing to do with it – because before I was his lover – I was his stalker and I know that he had no opportunity to murder his ex-wife. He was very ill until recently and has undergone a dramatic change and then ever since he had been recovered he’s been in bed with me!”

“What exactly are you trying to say, sir?” enquired Catch.

“That if Miss Hortensia was murdered in the last five or six hours then Drew Horner was making love to me and couldn’t possibly have killed anyone!”

“So, you’re happy to provide an alibi from Mr Horner – you’ll swear on that!?”

Dr Fish nodded. “Undoubtedly – so now I’ll need to find out where Horner is and you are going to have to find yourself another culprit…”

“They were trying to do that a little earlier…” Edie interjected crossly.

“…but not because they’d ruled Horner out…” continued Mavis. “…just because they’re both darn lazy!!”

The whole room fell silent – as if everyone was waiting to see who would speak next. In the end it was Virginia Hickliffe. The Sister stood forward, obviously rather disapproving of Selbourne’s relationship with the patient – however she had information of her own and took a sign before continuing.

“Well…” she began. “I might have an idea of someone you should question, Inspector…” she said and Catch and Merkin looked interested. “I saw Katrina arguing with someone…” she explained and as she spoke she was staring at Simon Yeti…

**

Meanwhile, back up on Floor 2, Tula had managed to slip away from everyone and was attempting to get closer to the site of the murder. Ever since she had learnt of the presence of tomato ketchup at the scene of the crime she had realised that the murderer was obviously the same person as the condiment thief – whoever that might be…

She was disappointed to discover that the reason that the room had been so easy to get into was that the police had already pretty much stripped the contents of the store after having taken fingerprints and photos; to take the contents away for forensic examination.

The only thing that remained was a light bulb swinging from its fitting and a dusty mirror on the wall…

Tula wasn’t sure what made her do it; but she crossed the room anyway and wiped away some of the dust from the mirror; partly to see if she looked as tired as she felt.

Surprisingly enough, she actually didn’t…

“That’s a relief!!” she beamed – but it was then she saw another figure standing behind her; a lady. Something told her that there was no point in turning around for the lady was dead.

It was Katrina Hortensia…

What will Tula do next? Can she help locate Katrina’s killer? Will Simon Yeti be given a grilling by Catch and Merkin? Will Horner remain in hiding? Can Raymond Snood get a helping hand or will he have to kill again? Find out in the next nipple-tweaking installment of Dusty Acres.

Mood music for this episode: "I Am Curious…"; Dusty Springfield, White Heat, 1982.