PART SIX: IN WHICH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS BECOME FRIENDS THEMSELVES...

DUSTY ACRES

By Paul Chandler

(Thanks to Tom Crittenden for his proof-reading skills.)

Six: In Which Friends Of Friends Become Friends Themselves...
“Well, you are; / Such an easy evil… / You're such a sensuous sin… / Sometimes I don't know where I'm goin'… / 'Til I been taken in…”

From: "Easy Evil…" (A. O’Day); Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.

“Why, this is fascinating!” exclaimed Simon Yeti as Tula finished explaining how she knew Horner and précised her career. It appeared that indeed they did have many friends in common: “I know your Aunt in passing,” Simon grinned, “and as for your former boss, Mr Gladstone McWhiskers, I have been involved in several adventures with him – not to mention my friends Shy Yeti and Mr Charlie Grrr!”

Tula nodded; all these names certainly meant something to her. Not only had her previous career brought her into a circle involving all kinds of peculiar and interesting people, but her Auntie Fatima was also friends with many of Simon’s friends.

“Perhaps we’ve met at a party before now and never realized!” suggested Tula curiously. “Some of these parties are so full of new faces you never get to meet everyone…”

Simon chuckled. “Quite probably! And I did have a dodgy time travel experiment recently which caused me to go invisible – so I’ve not been out as much as I’d like to have been…”

Tula smiled, before her thoughts returned to the situation in hand. She sighed and indicated Ward 7, Room B. “Is SHE in there?” Tula enquired.

For a moment Simon wondered whether Tula meant Katrina or Horner, and then realized that the girl did not know of her ex-boyfriend’s recent transformation. “You mean Katrina?”

Tula nodded. “So she’s in there with him? I’m worried for Horner, that’s all. He left me a message… We haven’t seen each other for ages; we used to go out some time ago, you see. But now it seems that Katrina has been trying to kill him, and he chose me of all people to try and contact, so now I feel a responsibility. We ought not to leave them for too long; she’s evil, that woman – she’s a complete nightmare!!”

Simon was confused. “We should go back in there, I agree… But there are some matters we need to clear up first… Did you mean what you just said about receiving that phone call? Because Katrina told me quite the opposite…”

Tula raised an eyebrow. “Poor Simon… You really shouldn’t listen to a word that woman says. She murdered my uncle,” she added, matter-of-factly. Simon gasped and looked horrified, and so Tula explained further: “My Uncle was a great detective, back in the 50s, 60s and early 70s. Roland Quaverall his name was; Katrina was one of his nemesises – nemesi – whatever the word is. They didn’t get on, basically. Katrina Hortensia swapped his mandarin jelly and fresh cream at a party with jelly fish and fake processed cream and he died being stung to death from the inside…”

“Ewwww!!” exclaimed Simon and shuddered. “It appears I have been badly lied to!” he sighed. “That’s not what I heard from her, at all, she claimed that Horner beat her with a haddock!!!”

“Nonsense! Even in his worst moods, Horner would never hit a woman…”

“Especially not now he IS one!!” exclaimed Simon and then stopped short, realizing his indelicacy.

“HE’S WHAT!?”

“Ah!” sighed Simon. “That’s the other thing I need to discuss before we see Horner! Now, are you sitting comfortably?”

**

In the end it was a flash of lightning that distracted Horner from his near murderous activity. Then suddenly it came again; AGAIN! Horner let his hands slip from Katrina’s neck and looked to the window - but instead of dark clouds, he saw a figure!

* LIGHT BULB FLASH *

It wasn’t lightning – someone was taking photos of them…

“Who was that!?” exclaimed Horner, pulling his dressing gown tighter around him and making sure that the cord was done up tightly. “Somebody was spying on us!!”

Neither of them could see anyone out on the balcony – whoever had been there had apparently escaped by rapidly shimmying down a drainpipe.

“So…” cackled Katrina, rearranging her black cape and checking her witchy finger nails. “Do you intend to go back to strangling me!?”

Horner frowned. “No!” he snapped, pushing back his long blonde hair, wishing he had a cap, or at least a clip, to keep it in place. “As tempting as it does sound, it’s just a waste of energy!”

“In that case I shall have a drink, then…” Katrina replied, for her throat was a little sore from practically being crushed by the divine Miss Horner.

Horner was horrified to see Katrina reach out and gulp down the glass of poisoned water. “But…”

“BUT what?!? I’ll get indigestion!?” teased the witch. “Believe me – I have a very strong constitution…”

Horner had made his own judgment. “So… it wasn’t poisoned after all!”

Katrina smiled cruelly. “No! But as soon as you’d drunk it I’d probably have stabbed you or hit you with something heavy!”

“…Or put another spell on me…”

Katrina nodded. “Quite probably, yes…”

Before they’d had a chance to say any more there came a knock on the door and in walked Simon – although this time he was not alone…

Both Katrina and Horner immediately recognised his companion. “TULA!” scowled the witch. “Come to steal my husband again, have you!?”

“Evening Katrina… Well yes, I thought I would visit him before you try and finish him off once and all…”

“He survived a number of years living with you – that in itself must surely have been a living death…”

“Oh really, Katrina, please! You can’t blame Horner for his unusual tastes. He’s a big fan of your family, after all. Didn’t he leave you to sleep with your sister, Natalie once? You turned her into a toad, didn’t you? And then made her into an omelette… What is it with you and food based deaths!?”

For a moment, Horner lay reveling in every minute of this bitchfest. However, he couldn’t contain his excitement and happiness any longer. “Tula, darling… It’s me,” he gasped ecstatically; “it’s me – HORNER!!”

Tula stopped bitching and gave her former love a massive grin. “I know, dear – and don’t you just look gorgeous too!!”

“You’re not surprised to see me like this!?”

“Only pleasantly!” laughed Tula. “You were always very in touch with your feminine side – it had to happen one day! Simon was telling me out in the corridor all that was going on. Understandably he was pretty confused himself – but together we were able to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together again and now it all makes a little more sense than it did before…”

“You’re friends with this Yeti?” exclaimed Katrina, even more confused by the events of the day.

“We only just met out in the corridor – but it would seem that we have a large number of friends and acquaintances in common…”

“But what on earth are you even DOING here, Tula?” Katrina hissed, angry.

“I called her, Katrina,” Horner interjected. “I didn’t call the Police – but I did call Tula and in my hour of need she surely came…”

There was a long silence, in which Katrina’s brain was trying, increasingly desperately, to think up a new plan. All her evil intentions seemed to keep going awry. Suddenly, she simply sashayed across the room (doing her best impression of Horner’s new model agency stride, the effect of which was quite plainly horrifying), and much to Simon’s horror attached herself to one of his long hairy arms. She beamed generously. “Well…” she began. “Seeing as we’re all being so grown up, and there’s such a spirit of goodwill, I would just like to introduce you all to Simon; because – well… We’ve simply not had the time to say anything about our exciting situation, as yet…”

“Because you’ve been too busy trying to kill me…”

“Well, yes – exactly, dear…” Katrina continued and giggled almost girlishly. “I know it’s a trifle soon – and I know Horner and I aren’t even officially divorced yet – but I am pleased to be able to announce that Simon and I have become engaged. Some people may say it’s been very quick as we only just met this morning – but cycling over here this afternoon on Simon’s Penny Farthing, I think we grew very fond of one another. And so, yes, we’ve decided to get married! We’re hoping for a Halloween wedding, and I think one day I can even imagine us starting a family – though goodness knows what the offspring of a witch and a yeti will end up looking like!” She paused for air, and then quickly added. “Of course we’d like you both to come and join us on our special day – hey, maybe if you and Tula get back together we could arrange a double wedding and do it at the same time, Horner!? No!?”

But there was no reply from the former amphibian man and the room had fallen into a shocked silence as Katrina concluded her invitation…

It was Tula who exploded first. “WHAT?” she exclaimed. “Are you mad!? You think I’m going to marry him… her… Horner… after not seeing him for almost a decade? Just because I turned up to support him out of the blue for old time’s sake?”

Simon was no more pleased – in fact, he probably had even more cause to be furious. “WHAT!!” he boomed, wrenching his furry arm away from Katrina’s grasp and wincing as he lost a few strands of fur in the process. “WHAT!!!?!” he repeated furiously. “What ever are you thinking!? As you say – we only just met and we certainly didn’t grow close on the bike. Sure, I was concerned for you and wanted to help – but now it appears all that concern was based on a web of lies…”

Katrina looked mortified and tried to grab his arm again. “He he he!!” she tittered. “Just Simon’s little joke – we’re going shopping for an engagement ring after we’re done here…”

“NO WE ARE NOT!!!” contradicted the yeti, furiously. “But you’re right – this whole thing is a joke – and not a very funny one!” Simon pointed out angrily. “Can I just confirm to everyone that despite this mad woman’s ramblings – that we are not getting married! I mean, no offense to you, Horner – but none of you are exactly male enough for me! Sorry girls!”

There was silence again in the room as everyone took all these revelations in, and then Horner spoke. “Oh,” he sighed, “what a shame – I actually thought it was rather a fine plan!”

**

Meanwhile, elsewhere – in the dark room – the photos were nearly developed and the mysterious photographer stood back to admire them. He’d managed to get away without being caught. It had been a risk; a terrible risk really – but he simply couldn’t help himself. If he was honest with himself, he had been attracted to Horner in his previous amphibian form – but then when he’d changed – well now he was beautiful in quite a different; far more glamorous way.

The photographer stood back to admire his work; a couple of the photos were of Katrina and Horner arguing – in one Horner had his hands (or her hands) around Katrina’s neck, and in another couple of shots he was turning to the camera just before he – the photographer – had been required to bear a hasty retreat. These last couple were the ones where he’d accidentally used the flash and there was Horner in his new guise – looking straight into the lens – a gorgeous vision of feminine loveliness.

“I love you Horner…” whispered the photographer. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” he added just for effect and came up close to kiss the photographic lips of his subject of adoration – quite overcome, as he did so, with lust and emotion. “I love you…” he whispered. “One day soon, we will be together…”

**

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, in an extra long bed, Raymond Snood was feeling a little better. He recent collapse had made him more desperate to come up with a solution of how to overcome his illness. “There has to be a way to reverse this…,” he reasoned.

He had a plan slowly formulating in his head – a way to reverse the terminal dullness by being anything but dull. It was risky, as the doctor had told him any level of excitement could kill him, but he had no choice.

At first he’d considered building a bomb and swallowing it; that was a definite option – that would be very non-dull. But the reality was that there would be precious little left of him should he be blown to bits – even if he was cured of terminal dullness.

So no, this wasn’t the best plan…

Another idea of his had been to submit himself to some lunatic lab experiment and perhaps to become half man / half cabbage, or half man / half badger; whatever really – just as long as it wasn’t dull!!

But there were down sides to this plan too. For a start being half a man and half a badger or cabbage rendered him unattractive to probably everyone but other cabbages, badgers, or maybe the occasional caterpillar – and even that attention wasn’t guaranteed.

So – there was only other solution. He’d not thought it through terribly well yet – but he couldn’t see a downside to it…

“I’m going to become a super villain!” he decided. Being a super hero didn’t appeal somehow. “Yes – I’m going to become a super villain!!” Raymond declared again, more proudly. “I’m going to do all kinds of dastardly crimes and one day rule the world!” he decided, and now feeling pretty positive about his decision, he grinned to himself. “Soon…” he chuckled. “…I shall be a dull man no more!”

Will Raymond manage to become a super villain? Will the mysterious photographer make moves towards Horner? Will Katrina seek to take further revenge now that she’s been snubbed? And what now for Tula and Simon; might they end up on the end of some devious plan concocted by the witch??

Find out next time in the next high-kicking episode of Dusty Acres – now available in 3-D...

NEXT PART POSTED: FRIDAY 6TH JULY 2007

Mood music for this episode: "Easy Evil…" Dusty Springfield, Cameo, 1973.

PART FIVE: IN WHICH A NEW WAY OF LIFE CAUSES PROBLEMS...

“I know I've hurt you / And I wonder if you know / That I never really meant to / No, I never, never really meant to???”

From: "Turn Me Around!?" (C. Coltrane); Dusty Springfield, It Begins Again, 1978.


Meanwhile, back in the lift, Tula was starting to feel the effects of spending time with a man suffering from T.D. (or Terminal Dullness, to give it its full title). As she stood listening to the man's monotonously inane chatter, she experienced for the first time just how tough it was to be around such a person.

To all intents and purposes, she was now as much a victim as he was...

"It's a bit like the dullness is a loaded machine-gun and he's firing it point-blank range at me..." she mused to herself, perhaps a little over dramatically.

"Don't worry!" sighed the man, whose name Tula had just learned was Raymond Snood. "Don't worry - I know this whole Terminal Dullness thing sounds rather bad, but ultimately, it's only me that it will kill. You can't catch it off me, it isn't contagious or transferable or infectious..."

Tula smiled weakly; she really wasn't so sure. She didn't like to say so for fear of sounding rude, but if she had to spend much longer in the presence of this dull fellow, then she was either going to have to jam her fingers in her ears, or risk slipping into some kind of boredom-induced coma.

"I'm just worried about you Raymond," she lied, determined to get a dialogue started to avoid listening to his depressive soliloquy. "Are you going to be okay? You look very pale."

Raymond Snood looked at her, his eyes filled with nervous dread. "Really? You think I look pale? As white as a sheet, you say? Do you think so?"

"Err ... Maybe a little bit, yes... How do you feel?"

"I have a dull pain in my head and a dull ache in my spine - but otherwise I feel pretty normal. I'm rather used to dull pains in my head, just a dull continuous throb..."

Tula nodded, blankly. "Well, that's something, at least..." she replied, fumbling for interesting conversation to make. Raymond was wrong - Terminal Dullness most definitely WAS contagious, and it appeared to have begun impeding and desiccating her social skills already.

"Don't worry..." he smiled and then went back to looking at his feet - suddenly he sighed. "Oh, and before you ask, there's nothing you can do to help me..."

Tula smiled wanly and wondered to herself whether anyone on Earth could do anything to help such an unbelievably dull man. More to the point, it felt like she was the one in need of help. She'd tried so hard to reach the hospital as quickly as possible, only to find herself mired in this suffocatingly slow and boring lift, and now once again her thoughts turned to Horner. She needed to be strong and support Horner in his time of need.

Not that she'd even seen him in nearly four years...

To be perfectly honest she felt nervous about seeing him again, yet also excited, and felt like she'd grown a lot as a person since they last saw one another. More than anything, Tula wanted him to be impressed with her highly developed and individual fashion sense. She was wearing her favourite fake-fur giraffe-print cat suit, and had her hair up in a beehive style, so she hoped that she would look impressive as she strode confidently and assuredly into Horner's room.

Not that her outfit appeared to have had any effect on Raymond Snood - but she decided it would have been a miracle if anything had ever interested Snood. She hoped that Horner wouldn't be similarly under-impressed, but doubted he would be anything but complimentary, as she knew him to be such an energetic and encouraging person.

"You look fabulous!" she reassured herself.

What she hoped Horner didn't notice was the fact that, to be honest, she didn't smell quite so fabulous. The outfit hadn't actually been for Horner's benefit. The truth was that she'd been to a fancy dress party the previous evening, drinking strong black coffee all night. She was more of a cappuccino or latte girl, but they'd run out of milk, and by midnight they had run out of alcohol, which was when the coffee bingeing had begun. She must have had at least, seven large mugs full, and diluted only by perhaps two ginger beers, as a nod to an old friend who had turned up at the party wearing steam-driven stilts.

Anyway - the long and the short of it was that she'd danced until dawn, and then gone shopping on her way home. She'd then returned to her flat, found the message from Horner, and rushed out again in a bit of a panic.

So now, there in the lift, she reckoned she probably did whiff a bit; not that Snood seemed to have noticed...

"Why is this lift SO slow?" Tula exclaimed, almost losing her cool and hammering on the lift door with both fists. "Are you absolutely sure it's not stuck, Mr Snood?"

She looked across at him and was shocked to see that Raymond was now slumped on the floor of the lift, a crumpled ball of a man - all eight foot of him...

"We're nearly there," he assured her weakly, "perhaps the field mice are just a little tired this afternoon - I think they must have had a heavy night last night..."

"Field mice!" exclaimed Tula, who knew a little bit about mice, as it happened.

Snood nodded. "Yes - this lift is environmentally friendly - it isn't powered by electricity, but by a team of field mice strapped to a dynamo, who are occasionally poked with a corn on the cob soaked in chilli sauce."

Tula sighed and felt bad - even worse than she had earlier, in fact. "Environmentally friendly..." she muttered as the lift continued creeping on it's slow journey upward, "...but hardly mouse friendly..."

**

Meanwhile, back in the private room on Ward 7, Simon Yeti was the first to speak. To be perfectly honest, he was feeling a trifle confused - there he'd been, expecting to meet some rough tough brute of a man, only to find that this supposed thug now looked like he'd just walked off the pages of a fashion magazine. All sorts of questions were racing through the yeti's mind - he was a beast of the world and indeed no prude - he just wanted to feel that he understood what was going on. At first he'd thought that perhaps Horner had needed such complete reconstructive surgery after his accident, that the surgeons hadn't been sure if he'd originally been a man or a woman. Then he remembered what Katrina had earlier mentioned about Horner being an amphibian who regularly changed his appearance when he shed his scales.

"Well now!" he said unsurely. "You could almost be sisters!"

No matter how estranged they were, it wasn't the sort of thing a man and wife wanted to hear, and both Horner and Katrina shot him disapproving looks. "Hmm, okay. Sorry! I think I'll let you two talk..." said Simon apologetically, letting out an embarrassed growl as he backed away and out of the room, without even a furry wave of goodbye.

Once the door had slammed behind Simon; there was a long silence. Katrina noticed that Horner was looking extremely flushed, and supposed that this was because his body was getting used to its new form. She had helped her husband through many Skin-Times over the years - but she had no intention of showing him any sympathy now.

In all the years they had been together, Drew Horner had never once shed his scales and become a woman...

"So..." smiled Horner, though he was suddenly looking quite weak and had sat himself down on the bed to rest. "How do I look? Do you like the new me?"

Katrina frowned. "I don't know why you even ask. You're a beautiful woman, husband, which is fine if you want to woo yourself a nice new boyfriend or sell toothpaste, but I know you, Horner. As far as I know, you certainly never had any career aspirations of that kind..."

Horner smiled, pushing back his newly grown hair so that he didn't lie on it as he eased into a more comfortable position on the bed. "You might be right," he agreed, "but who knows where my future lies from here on! I mean, a few hours ago, you'd put a curse on me, and I thought that I'd be dead by now. Tell me Katrina," he added, part accusingly, part sorrowfully, "why was it that you wanted to kill me, again? Had I done anything specifically wrong, or had you just grown tired of me?"

Katrina merely laughed at this, turning to the mirror to admire her nose wart. "If you've called the police, Horner, you shouldn't have - I'll only turn them all into frogs..."

"How original..."

"Okay - antelopes then - green antelopes with pink polka-dot swim-suits" she decided. "And yellow tights!"

"That's all very well - although not especially comfortable for the antelopes. Anyway, it's also ultimately unnecessary, Katrina, as I haven't called the police - and have no intention of doing so, either! Because," he sighed and smiled a smile that made him look even more beautiful, "because - well, I'd have thought it was pretty obvious. Because, Katrina, I still have feelings for you, that's why!!"

**

Meanwhile, out in the corridor, Simon Yeti was still fuming. "You should just go home, dear boy..." he told himself crossly, but knew that he couldn't. "I can't just walk out and leave Katrina!!" he told himself, although he was rapidly beginning to wish that he hadn't become involved with either of them - they both seemed very bizarre if he was honest about it.

It was as he stood near the lifts in the entrance to Floor 2 that the doors suddenly opened, and a very distressed woman came hurrying out. "Help! Help!" she cried. "A man has collapsed, someone come quick, he needs help!!"

The woman looked very flustered and the tall man crumpled up on the floor of the lift looked quite worse for wear, but much to Simon's relief he saw that the hospital staff were doing their job and coming to his rescue.

"What a very odd experience - we'd been in that weird lift for almost an hour," the lady muttered, apparently directing her conversation at Simon, "and then the man collapsed! Apparently the lifts are run by field mice...!"

"Good gracious, dear - really!" exclaimed Simon.

"Well, not all of them - but this one was..." the lady continued, as they watched Mr Snood being wheeled away to be given whatever attention he required.

"I suppose I should let you go with him, Miss...?"

"Swiss - Tula Swiss!" Tula replied, shaking his paw, before adding; "I wasn't actually WITH him - I've actually come to see someone else, Mr...?"

"Yeti... Simon Yeti..."

"Really!? I believe I've definitely heard of you!"

"Maybe we have mutual friends, who are you visiting?"

"A man named Drew Horner, he's in Ward 7..."

"Room B?"

"Oh, why yes!" exclaimed Tula. "Do you know him?"

"Kinda..." replied Simon awkwardly. "My next door neighbour and he are married... or divorced... or both... or something! I'm quite confused about the whole set-up, to be perfectly honest! But how, dear lady, do you happen to know such very peculiar people?"

Tula sighed. "That," she began, laughing gently, "is a very long story! Are you sure you really want to hear it?"

Simon Yeti growled earnestly and nodded. "You know, dear lady - I really think I might!"

**

Horner was feeling odd again. Really, it was quite inconvenient feeling as dizzy as he did, especially just as he was trying to appeal to Katrina's better nature. He had absolutely no idea why he still had feelings for her after all she'd done to him recently, and he certainly didn't know why he'd admitted to the fact! Katrina had seemed quite touched when he'd spoken of his enduring affections - at least she'd seemed to, but then suddenly the witch had risen her head and let out a long loud laugh.

"Oh dear!" she'd replied. "That's all very well! But you're a woman now! I'm very sorry to break it to you, Horner darling, but I'm simply not into blonde bombshells!"

Horner had to concede this point; he knew that Katrina's taste in men didn't extend to voluptuous blonde females. However - her reaction had shocked him into considering whether he really wanted to put himself through begging to have her back. Katrina Hortensia was a devious and dangerous tyrant, who had taken it upon herself to attempt to murder him on a number of occasions. It was hardly what you'd call a secure relationship.

"Horner, you have the worst case of self-delusion I've ever known!" he told himself. So far he'd chosen to turn a blind eye to the situation, but in his heart of hearts he knew that she'd been having affairs behind his back with all manner of wizards, goblins and sprites.

In fact, thinking back, he couldn't even remember where they stood on this matter of being married or not. They'd been wed, divorced and separated so many times that he'd lost count. The last time they'd tried to get their relationship blessed, one of Katrina's aunts (who was a phoenix) had set the registry office up in flames; she was mocked mercilessly for being so careless, but she'd managed to rise above it. Even after their last split, they'd still continued to date occasionally, and even this week Horner had been keen to reconcile the relationship...

All the while, she had just wanted him dead...

As he lay in his bed, feeling quite worse for wear, Katrina had gone to get him something to drink, and after a minute or two over by the sink, she came hurrying back with an expression of genuine concern on her face and a large tumbler full of water.

"Shall I call the Sister?" she asked. "You almost stopped breathing then for a moment - your pretty face went quite blue! Here, drink this." Katrina held the glass to Horner's lips, and he was just about to take a grateful sip when he began to feel extremely paranoid.

Was that the scent of bitter almonds?

Suddenly his suspicions seemed to generate a rush of strength. In a flash, Horner was up on his feet, and had Katrina pushed against the door. He was amazed and proud at how quickly his previous strength had returned even in his new female form. "What have you done? Poisoned my water, Katrina? I can smell the cyanide... Are you trying to kill me, again?"

"Of course not! I wouldn't! I'm just worried for you!"

"I don't believe you - drink it yourself," Horner demanded - pressing the half spilt glass of water to Katrina's lips; "You drink it - let's see if it's poisoned or not!" Katrina shook her head and tried to turn away from the glass, but Horner - so dainty in appearance - was far stronger than she was. "Drink it, Katrina," Horner insisted, forcing the glass into her mouth, "DRINK IT OR I'LL BREAK YOUR FILTHY NECK...!"

Will Katrina be forced to drink the water? Is it even really poisoned? What will become of Raymond Snood? Has Tula made a new ally in Simon Yeti or will Simon remain loyal to Katrina?

Find out in the next fur-flying episode of Dusty Acres - an everyday story of wicked folk with furious temperaments...

Mood music for this episode: "Turn Me Around!?" Dusty Springfield, It Begins Again, 1978.

PART FOUR: IN WHICH HORNER GETS A GREAT NEW LOOK...

“You can bait me, fake me / But I keep on comin' at ya / Just break me, shake me / I ain't movin' backwards / Shake me, take me, yeah I keep goin' 'til I hold you in checkmate once more…”

From: "Checkmate..." (N Hendryx); Dusty Springfield, It Begins Again, 1978.


Horner opened his eyes and instinctively knew it; Skin-Time was finally over and done with. He had shed his skin and was now once more in human form! No more scratchy scales like autumn leaves – just fresh pink skin…

A new Horner…

He stretched his hands; flexed his arms, wriggled his toes. He’d expected things to feel different this time; expected some trouble. Expected to be some half human/half amphibian mutant hybrid – but no – he felt fine and healthy… Except…

There was no-one in the room – nobody was close by, it appeared. Slowly Horner sat up straight and dangled his legs over the side of the bed. His legs hung down and dangled just short of the floor; his modesty draped in a loose-fitting hospital gown.

He was shorter than he had been…

“Looks like I’m going to have to wear stilts…,” he teased himself, “although that’ll be no use if I’m being pursued by mad witches – I’ll never get away!”

It was only as he let his gown slip to the floor in a sudden urge to see quite what his finished appearance was, that he fully understood what had happened to him…

“Well this is different…!” he murmured to himself, shocked at first, but gradually getting used to his new form. “Wait until Katrina sees this!” he chuckled.

**

Meanwhile, down at the hospital reception, Katrina and Simon had arrived, and were trying to find out where Horner was ensconced. They were not, however, having much luck – in fact, they were meeting with active objections from the hospital staff.

The lady on the desk was an old woman by the name of Mavis, and she was assisted by an equally elderly lady called Edie. “They must be at least 120 years old each!” growled Simon as they stood at the desk and waited to be served.

Katrina raised an eyebrow. “Older, possibly!” she observed. “I’m 137 and I don’t look half as addled as these two do!”

Simon frowned. He wasn’t so sure. “Are you sure you’re only 137, Katrina?” he asked. “You look at least twice that age!”

It wasn’t exactly a very flattering thing to say to a lady; but for Katrina, to be considered ugly was quite definitely a compliment, and she smiled inwardly. Just then, Edie the desk receptionist came across to them carrying a clipboard. “Sorry dears!” she croaked, with a certain relish that suggested that she was anything but sorry, “I’m afraid Mr. Horner isn’t allowed to receive visitors at the moment….”

“Why ever not?” Simon exclaimed crossly and added a disapproving growl for good measure.

“Somebody has been trying to kill him, that’s why, dear,” the lady named Mavis replied curtly, turning from her filing work and eyeing them suspiciously.

Katrina looked as if she was about to cast a spell on the two women, but Simon held her back. “Well yes! We’re painfully aware that someone has committed this appalling crime, dear lady, and that’s why we’re here – to ensure our friend is okay!”

Edie put her clipboard back beneath the counter and sat down next to her co-worker. “Well sir, I’m not sure who you are – but the thing is…”

Mavis took over at this point. “The thing is that your companion here exactly meets the description of the lady who has been trying to kill the patient…”

Simon visibly did a double take at hearing this. “Katrina, is this true dear – or do you have an identical, evil twin!?” he whispered, suddenly wondering if he actually had the full story.

“I did have a sister once…” she replied, “but not anymore.” This didn’t really help answer his question, but she refused to elaborate further, and merely scowled a terrible scowl that put the yeti right in his place.

“Sorry…” he mouthed, and then stepped forward to the reception desk again. “My dear ladies, I’m quite sorry, I realise we’re causing you an inconvenience,” he apologized. “We’ll come back another time”.

“Don’t bother!” snapped back Mavis, “Not unless you come back without her!” she added, before returning to her filing.

“Quite! Now would you kindly leave!” said Edie, giving a curt little smile and wandering off in search of a cup of tea.

Much to Simon’s amusement, the expression on Katrina’s face had turned from a scowl to a look of fuming rage – but before the witch could say anything, the handsome yeti had raised a claw to his lips to urge her to be quiet.

“Wait…” he advised quietly, guiding her away from the desk so that it appeared that they had given in. Once the women had returned to going about their business, however, he bid Katrina to stand by the candy machine and remain quiet whilst he tiptoed back to the desk – quite a feat in itself for a yeti of his size. Katrina watched with dawning pride as the great shaggy beast simply cast a long furry arm over the reception desk and reached beneath the counter. He quickly picked up the clipboard Edie had looked at, which held the hospital’s confidential patient list. Speedily he flipped through the pages, and then smiled, replaced the clipboard, and tiptoed silently back to Katrina.

“Drew Horner – Floor 2, Ward 7, Room B!” he chuckled. “There you go, dear – easy when you know how!!”

“Oh Simon!” cackled Katrina, rather at a loss for words as she took his furry arm and led him towards the lift. “Floor 2, you say?” she smiled, and pressed the button. “Shall we go!?”

**

It was literally only a couple of minutes later that Tula reached the hospital. She’d been surprised how quickly she’d made it there; knowing the roads were horribly congested at that time of day, she’d opted to try hitching a ride on a passing badger. The journey had actually been surprisingly smooth, and she’d never before realised that badgers gave such good piggybacks, let alone could run so fast! She entered the hospital nervously, slightly uncertain what the protocol for such a visit was. However, once she reached reception, she found much to her surprise that she recognized the two old ladies behind the desk as being friends of her Aunt Fatima.

“Mavis! Edie! I didn’t know you two worked here…”

“Ah yes, Tula dear!” beamed Edie, pleasantly surprised to see her. “Well – only two afternoons a week. We’re here undercover, it’s all very hush-hush!” she continued, causing Mavis to raise a finger to silence her indiscreet friend. Still, Tula got the message and didn’t need to probe the issue further – she knew that the two ladies had long been involved in all sorts of Top Secret Government work.

“Here to see Horner, are you, dear?” enquired Mavis, pushing across a piece of paper with his whereabouts transcribed on it in invisible ink. “We have to be careful; certain undesirables are after these details. We’re only able to pass it over to people we know can be trusted – and even then, only in a covert manner! You’ll need to hold the paper up to the light!” she added, seeing Tula scrutinising the blank page with a perplexed look.

“Undesirables…?” enquired Tula nervously, concerned at the thought that there could be another attempt on Horner’s life.

“You’re lucky we don’t blindfold you!” Edie interrupted.

Tula nodded, feeling a little confused, but she thanked the ladies and hurried towards the lift; holding the paper up to one of the fluorescent strips as she waited for the lift to arrive; Floor 2, Ward 7, Room B…

Once in the lift, Tula soon wished that she had simply taken the stairs. Not only was the lift incredibly slow, but the only other passenger was also incredibly strange. For a start, he was almost eight foot tall and as skinny as a runner bean. He wore an outfit that could best be described as being a cross between the clothes of a Viking and a cheerleader – topped off by the sort of hat a bishop might wear, which added another foot to his height. The hat looked even more preposterous as it was badly squashed, the lift being only about eight and a half feet tall.

Tula tried not to make eye contact. She was definitely not in the mood for conversation. However, after five minutes had passed, in which time they still hadn’t managed to reach the 2nd floor, she decided that she really had to ask a question of the man.

“Excuse me…” she began nervously. “Do you know if the list is usually this slow, or do you think it’s stuck?”

The absurdly tall man looked up from where he had apparently been admiring his toenails. “It’s always as slow as this…” he replied, in a tone of voice that can be best be described as funereal. “You caught the slow lift…,” he added. “There’s a slow lift and a fast lift, and you happened to catch the slow one…” he continued matter-of-factly. “I mean, I personally always get the slow lift…,” he continued slowly, “because I like to take my time…”

Tula nodded politely. “I see…” she sighed and then asked. “Are you visiting someone here?”

The dull-sounding man shook his head and began picking his nose rather too earnestly for Tula’s liking. “Oh, no…” he replied, “I’m a patient,” he explained. “They let me wander about ‘cos it does me good – but the doctor has told me to take things slowly, which is why I always take the slow lift. The doctor said that even the slightest bit of fast or exciting living might well kill me…,” he said, breaking off from his dirge to nod thoughtfully at Tula. “Between you and me, I’m a very sick man. I have been diagnosed with terminal dullness,” he said, with the slightest hint of a proud flourish in his tone, “and that, I’m afraid – although not contagious and in no way dangerous to you – might very soon be the death of me, I fear!”

**

Meanwhile, up on Floor 2 – having caught the fast lift – Katrina and Simon had managed to find their way to Ward 7, Room B with very little trouble at all.

"Listen Simon…” began Katrina, once they had found their way to the door marked D. HORNER, “I’m so grateful to you for coming all this way with me – but if you want to leave me here then I will quite understand… You’ve done quite enough to help me as it is; we can catch up when I get back to my flat?”

Simon gave her a look that suggested he thought her to be undoubtedly pretty mad. “Don’t be ridiculous, dear lady!” he replied curtly, “I didn’t come all this way to see you walk into the lion’s den on your own! Now knock on the door and announce our presence before you have second thoughts!” he demanded.

Katrina sighed – strangely enough, she was feeling a little nervous at this point. She hadn’t really planned quite what she was going to do next, and was a little frozen by indecision.

Simon knocked on the door for her…

Silence.

Simon knocked again and this time they received a reply:

“Come in!”

Simon stood back, indicating that Katrina should go in first, which after a moment’s pause she did, turning the handle and allowing the door to swing wide open.

“Oh… I’m sorry…,” she gasped. The words, quite unfamiliar to a habitually rude witch such as Katrina, slipped from her lips almost automatically. She had stepped into the room only to find herself facing a rather ravishing blonde woman wearing a seductive smile and exposing her quite hypnotic bosoms beneath a loosely wrapped pale pink dressing gown. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, taking an embarrassed step backward, “we must have the wrong room…”

Katrina was turning to leave, pushing Simon out with her, when the woman laughed. “Where are you going, Katrina!?” she called. “How lovely it is to see you here! But, I suppose it’s only right you should come and check up on me, since it was you who put me here in the first place! I’m sorry to disappoint you, but as you’ll see, I’m still very much alive!”

Simon could see the blood draining from Katrina’s face as she turned back to the blonde woman, her mouth gaping. “HORNER!” she gasped. “HORNER, IS THAT YOU!?”

The woman smiled and pouted her lips. “Yes, darling,” she replied playfully, “it’s me! How d’you like the new look?”

How will Katrina cope with the fact that Horner is now a luscious lovely? Will Simon ask for beauty tips? Can Tula escape from a fate worse than boredom or will she be trapped in the lift forever?

Find out in the next thigh-slapping instalment of Dusty Acres – an everyday story of weirdoes, loonies and other animals…

Mood music for this episode: "Checkmate..." Dusty Springfield, It Begins Again, 1978.